(Note: My original post is on another, more locked down social networking site. This is the evolution of that first post.)
Okay, so they’re not entirely or always boring. Both can totally be interesting and fun. But I’m finding that plain, old, run of the mill, cat and mouse game of vanilla sex is just…boring. Sex has never been a primary urge for me. It holds no interest to me as just a thing unto itself. My primary urge is connection to specific people and energy and the adventure of that connection. But all around me, from when I was growing up to present day, there’s this push that sex is the end goal.
With modern dating as I understand it,there’s a complicated dance which involves presenting yourself as something you’re not and having conversations you don’t really want to have and faking interests. Sitcom, movie, and book plots revolve around it. And if you want to skip the dating and go right to the sex, from what I’ve heard, mainstream offerings are limited to bootie calls, one night stands, and affairs.
So the sex happens, and it’s sweaty and intense, and then…it seems to be over. Many times, if statistics are to be believed, without the female bodied person even having an orgasm. And my mind just boggles.
I have no desire to color my hair to hide the gray, apply layers of makeup, wear heels, put on restrictive garments to force my body into a shape it’s not, and have conversations about things that I don’t care about and feign interest/knowledge I don’t have in some hope of getting laid. In fact, “getting laid” has never really been a goal for me.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done burlesque and theatre and various other types of performances. I fully understand the benefit of makeup, specific undergarments, hair dyes and wigs, costumes. But that’s just it for me. They’re parts of costumes I wear when I want to disguise who I am and be someone else. This is why is makes no sense to me to do these things for dating and sex. I want you to see who I am and goddammit, I want to see who you are.
In my mind, it’s too easy to just go in for sex. One night stands are fairly simple to find willing partners for, bootie calls are more and more socially sanctioned, and our culture finds it more permissible to cheat rather than open up your relationship with the consent and agreement of all parties. Turn out the lights, take off your clothes, insert tab A into slot B or some variation thereof, have orgasm (or not), call it a night. The thought just makes me weep with boredom and lack of comprehension.
My goals are getting to know someone, connecting with them, taking time to listen to them and hear them and be actively interested in them, caring about them and loving them, talking about sensitive subjects, touching their skin, seeing what areas make them shiver so I can do that more and which make them shrink away so I can do less of that. My goal is to watch the changing light in their eyes like a movie and feel the emotions rolling off them as they talk about something we both fully, actively enjoy talking about. I want to dance with or for people and feel that they want to reach out and touch me and experience me the way I want to experience them. My goals are to find the people who revel in my singing or singing with me. Soaring harmonies of the musical and the physical and emotional variety are my goals. I want to not just be seen as a sexual body conquest to be “done”, but a whole person to be savored.
As I learn more about myself, I’m still trying to figure out if the label demisexual fits. Perhaps I’m just selectively sexual and looking for the types of sexual encounters that go beyond carnal. That transcend lust and dip into exploration and appreciation and fully experiencing the moment. Something that can’t be duplicated. New creation. I want to go on people adventures and I want to people to go on a Geneviève adventure.
Because there’s so much more to experience than just sex. So many touches, cuddles, glances, situations, feelings, bruises, breathless moments that fulfill me more than being fucked. I crave power play way more than I desire orgasms. In fact, I often find sex to be distracting from more interesting pursuits.
What’s funny about this is I feel like in trying to describe this and figure it out, I sound like a prude when I would wager that the very few people I have been and am sexual with would describe me as anything but. I love sex with the right person/people, have been praised for my oral skills from both teams, and do partake of some fun sexual olympics. It’s just never been a primary preference of connection and only sometimes is it my secondary preference of connection. Currently, my husband is the only person I crave in a purely sexual way. Anyone else I’m interested in is mostly for non-sexual fun, with an infrequent dose of potential sexy times.
In the words of James Boyle from Facebook/berlin-artparasites:
I hope you meet someone who wants to experience you and not just see you by their eyes. Someone who doesn’t only want to have sex with you but moves their fingers over your body like trying to find a city on a world map and mark their favourite destinations. Someone who wants to experience you like a masterpiece. Whenever we observe a masterpiece we get the urge to touch it and most of the time we do, involuntarily, because it’s so perfect that we not only want to see it with our eyes and forget it’s details later on because I read somewhere that every time you recall a memory your brain edits it bit by bit so we long to experience it so that each part which contributes to it’s perfection stays with us afterall how scary it would be to forget how perfect you felt. So I hope someone experiences you like a summer breeze stroking your hair, like the warmth of bonfire on a chilly winter night, like the taste of that traditional homemade dish by a mother for her children who’s taste forever lingers in their mouth. I hope you find someone who justifies in treating you like the perfect art you are.
– James Boyle
Granted, this has made it hard to negotiate sometimes.
Them: What do you want?
Me: To see what we can experience together…?
Them: Care to narrow it down a little?
So I’m learning to refine it. To be more specific about the types of things I want to experience, even if they do feel incredibly weird like blindfolding each other and touching skin slowly. No words. No sight. Just touch. Or a game of adult hide and seek. Or spending an hour just making out. Or having my hair brushed then being pummeled to a playlist of my favorite songs.
One of the best compliments I got recently was from a friend who was helping to massage out some issues in my lower back. My pants were pulled down slightly to allow him access and he all of a sudden said, “I know you may have some self-consciousness about your stretch marks, but these are pretty badass. You’ve got lightning bolts back here.”
It wasn’t sexual, but it had a sliver of sensuality to it. It was a true connection between two people. It was opening myself up to feeling better and letting someone in, instead of falling down a spiral of despair because he was commenting on my stretch marks. It was appreciating that stretch marks are not horrific. He kept working out the issues in my back. He said something positive to me and helped me to see my body in a new, more powerful way. He didn’t have to buy me dinner and I wasn’t expected to “put out”.
THIS is the type of experience I want.