My return to the burlesque stage was nothing short of a fantastic experience. It helped me better get to know two people I met within the past year, both via makeups. It helped me reclaim some of my own sexiness and confidence. It’s also leading to other things from the “things I want to improve in the New Year” post.
Things like rejoining the local kink scene, which is apparently happening this weekend. I’m a little nervous but also really excited. I’ve been in hibernation too long, too. While I’ve been a kinkster for nearly 20 years now, I don’t have a lot of public, community experience. For some reason I attract SO’s who prefer private play and don’t want to engage much in the community as a whole. However, while my current SO is much the same way, he’s fine with me exploring with other people.
Which is great because there are things I want that he has no interest, experience, or time for. What isn’t great is that because of a combination of my own anxiety and fears, I’ve kind of hermitted and withdrawn from seeking out partners, both of the dating variety and the playing variety. And it largely comes down to that confidence thing that apparently looks good on me but is so hard to put on sometimes.
For example, I haven’t really been a Domme or topped anyone in a REALLY long time. There are friends I’ve flirted with that way but for various reasons, I haven’t found anyone to top or be a Domme to yet. There are a few possibilities on the horizon, but nothing definite or anywhere near fully formed.
And on the flip side, since I’m a switch, there’s my submissive side screaming to be tied up, flogged, punched, thrown into a wall and down on the floor again. Who wants to explore consensual nonconsent more. Who desperately wants to get over the fear of her own body and finally try rope suspension. Who wants to ride the wave of a single look that takes my breath away while imagining all the things that could happen after that look.
I had a few of the latter this weekend. One source, thankfully, was someone who knows she can drop me with a look and enjoys toying with that and me. And I thoroughly enjoy both. But there were other things and people that happened that have left me at a complete loss because they uncovered things that I have no idea how to deal with and leave me completely derailed. I wish I could transfer one area of confidence into another area that doesn’t have any. Of course that wouldn’t help the several levels of complex considerations.
It feels like some of the things I wanted to happen are finally happening, or might have the opportunity to happen, but I just don’t know how to encourage any of it. I’m afraid if I do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, I’ll scare people off, or fuck something up, that they’ll realize they didn’t want or like me as much as they thought. Or maybe they won’t like me at all that way. And that’s fine. Just, would hurt. But I can put on my big girl panties and deal. It’s just…a deep fear basically boils down to feeling like if I don’t get too close, I won’t wind up exposing the really scared parts of me, both mentally and physically.
I mean…I don’t let very many people see me naked. For a fucking burlesque dancer, I’m actually really self-conscious of my body and while I’m trying to get out of that, I know that many riggers like to work with naked and I’m petrified to do that because if I’m self-conscious of myself in its unbound state, what the hell am I going to look like tied up and then things are going to get smooshed and I’ll look terrible and ugly. And since submission is such a large part of me but also a part that hasn’t really been tapped into in the last few years, exposing myself, the raw nerve that wants someone to take control, to cause pain, to caress, to tie me up, to TAKE…that combined with fear of what my body would look like during that? Oftentimes crippling fear doesn’t even begin to cut it.
Thankfully some friends are taking it upon themselves to help, which is how I’m likely winding up at a local dungeon this weekend and finally taking more steps towards getting involved with the local scene. Maybe little by little, I can take on some confidence in the kink world again.