Aside from Nigel being a dick in the intro, this video has stayed with me for years since it premiered and is by my favorite female choreographer, Mia Michaels. (The actual dance starts at about 1:10 and I’d recommend starting there).
The thing is…it’s technically about addiction, as a destructive, debilitating force in one’s life. And as that, it’s incredibly powerful. I mean, I lost my breath when I first saw it and have watched it many times since then. It hit home for the addictions I and people in my life have faced. But there’s always been…something else there.
For a variety of reasons, I’ve only now just realized that I react so strongly to this piece…as a dance of D/s.
Let me be clear: I’m NOT trying to equate D/s and addiction.
They are two separate things.
But the feelings in this dance could very easily be translated into the kind of intense, sadistic kind of D/s I’ve been looking for and only experienced like….twice in my life.
The sinister quality in his eyes (especially at the end…send chills up my spine), the gentle ways he cradles her, the utter calm, confident presence he has, the thing he does with her leg that shows he is as intoxicated with her as she is with him, the power…
I know this is a piece that was not intended to depict D/s. I know this is a very personal, unintended interpretation. But that’s the nature of art, isn’t it? To draw your own meaning from it? To help you find answers that aren’t necessarily in books. To draw a path to places in yourself. To connect you to other people and yourself.
It’s worth noting that if you don’t have a consensual non-consent or kidnapping or capture and takedown or animalistic/primal hunt spirit as part of your kink, you might not be able to see what I see. I know people who get very uncomfortable with the way he’s pawing at her and she keeps trying to shake him off. But for me…I see the struggle and the chemistry but interpret it differently. I’m sure if anyone had seen me and a partner taking our first steps into con non-con, it would’ve seemed brutal. And it was. And I want fucking more. I crave being overpowered, (when pre-negotiated) told YES when I scream no, to be pursued, hunted, chased, taken.
I just have to remember the flip side. It’s not easy for someone who cares about you to hear “no” and keep going. Even with negotiation.
Especially with all the (thankful) rise in consent culture, it’s difficult to hear someone you care about crying and struggling to get away from you and still pursue what you want. To take what you came for. So it’s taking a while for me to find someone again who can do that. To push me to tears, to take…something. It doesn’t even have to be sex, but that is where most of my fantasies go. But then will also be there for the gentle come down, the aftercare, the stroking, the resurrection for the phoenix to rise again. Dear god, I want to emerge from those ashes again…