Tilling the “fertile chaos”

So this horoscope for the week just happened by Rob Brezsny:
You have cosmic clearance to fantasize of participating in orgies where you’re intoxicated and free of your inhibitions. It’s probably not a good idea to attend a literal orgy, however. All the cleansing revelry and cathartic rapture you need for now can be obtained through the wild stories and outrageous scenes that unfold in your imagination. Giving yourself the gift of pretend immersions in fertile chaos could recharge your spiritual batteries in just the right ways.

“Fertile chaos” is probably the absolute best description of what my brain feels like after the past week. From the time we flew in on Wednesday to now, I’ve been bombarded with sensation, expectation, experience, people, desire, growth, hugs, changes, fires, anger, joy, pride, pushing myself outside my comfort zone, and so much more. Intense doesn’t even begin to describe it.

There are many lessons I learned throughout the course of this week, too. Things like:

1. I can perform with two of my exes, we just simply don’t have to speak to each other. It’s not what I prefer, but it’s their choice and I respect that.

2. Thankfully, with other exes, I’m lucky to still have a strong connection and playdate possibilities…if only I could find the time. In fact, there were two people there I was hoping to play with or even just spend more time with, and it just didn’t happen. Way too busy. I’m crossing fingers for the GKEs, as I’m not foolish enough to think anything can happen at SPWF, unless it’s Thursday or Sunday. During the event? Not bloody likely.

3. Gin & Tonic should be sipped not chugged, no matter how flummoxed I am. Thankfully, both times came when I was off shift and had finished my performance.

4. I need to do more burlesque. It was exhilarating and felt like I was home. It was the most normal, perfect feeling in the world stepping on that stage again. And fuck, I missed being backstage.

5. The people I work with are incredible and took amazingly good care of me while I was in a compromised state of G&T haze. From the guided imagery massages, to the full on knee-in-my back, to the escort to the bathroom, I was loved and cared for throughout. People also checked in on me the next day and just overall were awesome.

6. The energy from this event was just so overwhelmingly GOOD. From the people I worked & performed with to the attendees to the hotel to weather, to the support I personally got..it was all incredible.

7. I’m able to see where I’ve grown. For instance, in the past, the way I spent Thursday night would’ve be difficult for me. This time? Only a little, but for unrelated reasons. I’m learning how to work with compersion even when it’s complicated and I love that.

8. I’m able to see where I haven’t grown. I finally feel confident in my job and like I have my mojo back for performing, but when it comes to lining up play, even with people I know and like, or figuring out why seeing someone in a new light shocked the fuck out of me, and I’m a fucking basketcase of raw nerves. Or, apparently, fertile chaos. It’s just trying to decide what to plant in this land. How to get the sensation and submission I’m craving without freaking out about it or just pushing it down and pretending it doesn’t exist.

9. I’m able to embrace the wild serendipity, most of the time, at events. Like thinking I need to talk to someone and three seconds later, they come around the corner. Or walking right into someone I thought wasn’t coming but really wanted to who wound up being able to drop by just on one day and I managed to cross paths with them in that brief pocket. AND not only getting a wonderful hug, but also a clarification that he’d like a cuddle date with me at the next event we’re both at, to which I very enthusiastically agreed and am SO looking forward to.

So all of this and more is swimming in my head. New burlesque numbers to choreograph, scenes I want to have, sadness that this was the last Wicked Faire, fear of pursuing new possibilities or making myself look like a moron, better strategies for drinking, how to get my needs met, awesome people and experiences and feedback. Fertile chaos, indeed.

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