Meatmours!* Or even metamours!

So.

I’m kinda smitten.

With my metamour.

It’s a different kind of smitten, but she’s…really fucking awesome. We’re scary alike in some ways (What?! You don’t do chocolate and peanut butter either?! We’re so rare! Everybody pushes their Reese’s love in my face. I even wrote a guest blog for kinkyasexuals about it, likening it to how I don’t usually mix sex and kink.) Also, we have some similar fallout things from past traumas (wow, we’re way better off without selfish people in our lives, amirite?) and get along really well.

Another thing we happen to have in common is having feelings for the same guy.

What we don’t have in common is relationships styles.

She identifies as monogamous, whereas he and I identify as polyamorous.

He and I also identify as, um, having feeling for each other.

It’s a little complicated, but so far…we’re all talking. Figuring things out. She’s willing to try.

We had a two and a half hour car ride together yesterday to check out a hotel for work. I was petrified. I’ve been so scared of doing something to break this all. To hurt her. To piss him off. To be too much. Want too much. Go too far. (Having an anxiety disorder when dealing with this kind of thing is the special fucked up kind of FUN. *headdesk*)

I don’t want to push her boundaries or comfort levels. Well, okay. Let’s be honest. I kinda do want to push comfort levels…slightly. Because without that, there’s no growth. But. I don’t want to harm her. I’m not out for just selfish pursuits.

However, at some point during the ride, I took a deep breath and leapt into talking about…IT. US. The three of us, the two of us…all that poly and feelings business. The elephant in the car, as it were.

And I think…I think it went well. He thought it went well. She and I are talking and it seems to be okay. I thanked her for something incredibly sweet and helpful she did. I was not in a good place at one point and she gave me her finger and “finger hugged” me. She said it’s something she does when you can’t give a full hug and as a person who is as big on touch as I am…it meant the world to me to be able to connect to her like that and have a grounding touch.

But. On the flip side, since I am so touch-oriented, this manifests as me being afraid to touch him or hug him too long. We were in the car alone while she went into the rest stop and there was no touching. We talked a little bit. But yeah.

I mean, hell…we haven’t even kissed yet. He and I have talked about things. What we’re interested in, in kink, in life, in relationships, in work. But aside from an adorably chaste surprise kiss on the cheek he gave me (that I think was more my hair than cheek) when we parted ways yesterday and a smattering of really strong hugs…nothing physical.

We’re taking it slowly. I’m reading all I can about mono/poly relationships, how to help someone who’s monogamous be more comfortable with a polyamorous partner and with a metamour. I don’t want her to think of me as an interloper. I mean, I’m total kitchen table poly all the way.

I want to be friends. I don’t want to be an adversary. I don’t see relationships as competitive sports anymore. I’m relatively “safe”. Married, live states away, been poly for a while, so I know the language and most of the pitfalls, have other interests and am fiercely independent. I’m not out to steal her man. I just want to…share him sometimes and see what kind of adventures we could get up to.

In looking for things to read to educate myself about this new type of relationship style I don’t have much experience with, I came across this comic that made me think of her. And we’re not this saccharine, but…it’s totally possible to care about other people in different ways. And I would totally hug the fluff off of her if she were wearing a fluffy coat like this. I mean, I already covet her socks and boots. Cause they’re nifty.

She’s nifty.

He’s nifty.

Just…in different ways. Diverse feels.

I’m glad they’ve both come into my life, for different reasons. I think we have a lot to teach each other, a lot of adventures to have together and in various groupings of one on one, and the gratitude I feel right now for that is kind of awesome.

*Stress dyslexia is a thing. A thing I have. So when searching for metamour comics, I wound up typing “meatmour”. Which made me giggle.

Advertisements

Leveling up in poly

If you would’ve told me 15 years ago, when I first started on this crazy journey called polyamory, that I would be telling my future husband, who was about to go on an impromptu first date that I found out about a few hours before because that’s when he made it about it, that it was not only okay for his date to stay over in our spare bedroom but that he could stay with her and for them both to figure out what they want the evening to look like amongst themselves but use protection if that included sex and clearly say no when I wasn’t okay with or into something…I would’ve called you fucking crazy. And then broken down crying imagining all the ways I was being left behind or forgotten.

If you would’ve told me even 10 years ago that a Mac truck/lightning bolt would hit me randomly in regards to someone I’ve worked with for a while and whom I’ve apparently been around more than I realized over the years but out paths never really crossed directly but now they not only crossed, the collision would cause me nothing short of emotional whiplash because I would get all these feelings I don’t usually get because there are certain levels I don’t often connect with people on and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing half the time so I just kind of go with the flow and hope my instincts are right and so far *knocks on wood* they have been, I would’ve laughed in your face.

And if you would’ve told me 5 years ago that all four of the relationships I was in would be ending within the year and that no matter how hard or how much I wanted to stay friends with certain exes, that something shifted somewhere which made it seemingly impossible and I have no idea what that shift was but just that I feel its effects all the damn time, BUT that I’d also have some rolicking adventures, get my heart thoroughly shattered but discover new and amazing ways to rebuild it, and wind up marrying a man that not only challenges me in ways I never dreamed but also has helped me grow and communicate better and whose energy just…works with mine on a daily basis, I would’ve said you were crazy.

And don’t even get me started on the wonderfully supportive polycule of awesome people I’ve found myself in, that spans at least eight different states and has helped me grow and learn about myself in so many ways and even when it’s awkward or painful, there’s so much love and support that sometimes, my heart literally feels like it’s about to burst from the happy of all kinds that we share.

There’s just been so much change. So much I wasn’t expecting, but that seems to be leading me down a path of more openness and kindness and love, so I’ll keep going. Leveling up, completing that previous chapter that was rife with horrible pain and rebuilding trust, and graduating to more difficult yet also much happier issues and being more in the forefront of the community instead of the reluctant poly poster child I was 14 years ago or so, has been very interesting. Too much to think about right now. But I wanted to get this down before I forgot it or talked myself out of writing. Insomnia’s at least good for something…

PAC-MAN: a happy poly moment

Yesterday was an emotionally exhausting, thoroughly challenging day rife with a few long, important conversations, work challenges, and an overall massive push towards growth, even when it’s not easy.

But there are moments of bright love and happiness and hope that shine through and I sometimes feel like my heart is going to burst.

For instance, while having a three hour chat with a potential awesome metamour who is newish to poly, my husband had a skype date that turned into a skype sex date with his girlfriend. I compersioned all over the place, but the best part was when he called me into the bedroom after the skype session was over and showed me a wet spot on the his comforter. It had a very distinctive shape.

“Look, PAC-MAN!” was all he said, with a big grin on his face and holding the blanket up slightly for me.

I stood, momentarily stunned because I wasn’t expecting to be summoned into the bedroom to view a cum stain in the shape of a video game character. Nor did I know how he had gotten it so perfectly proportioned. I mean, it could’ve turned into more of a fortune cookie. But no. The likeness was totally there.

My husband, however, mistook my silence for doubt.

“She thought it looked like it, too!” he said in an adorably defensive tone, still grinning and looking down.

Yes, my husband, the one with whom I have had a fairly rough start to our relationship and poly in general, the one who has grown in ways I couldn’t even have dreamed about two years ago was now happily showing me a cum stain from his skype date that happened while I was talking to a potential metamour and all I could do was laugh. And tell make sure he knew he totally made the blog for that.

He said he knew.

I walked out, shaking my head and giggling. Part of me wanted to share in the absurd humor of it all, so I texted his girlfriend a little while later. The conversation proves that we have the best people in our lives and I am so fucking lucky and grateful:

Me: Pacman *shakes my head*

GF: Hahahaha!!!! Yep

Me: He’s such a dork. 🙂

GF: 🙂 but I could see it!

Me: Me, too. 🙂 He called me in after you were done. *giggle* All he could do was say, “look, Pacman!”

GF: LOL at least he wasn’t seeing jesus or the Virgin Mary!

Me: Why not? Sell that shit on ebay! LOL

GF: OMG, right? That would be a great statement “Cum to Jesus”

Me: YEEEESSSSSSS

Seriously, y’all. This is just magical to me and makes me bust all the poly happy feels. ❤

Fucking February and All The Feels

Fair warning disclaimer: This post is going to be long, all over the fucking place, full of links to blogs I’m finding helpful, free-association lyrics, fast-forwarding and rewinding, and just a whole bunch of stuff I’m trying to extract from my brain and heart.

For some reason, over the past four years, February has had a habit of kicking me right in the feels. Without fail, by the end of the month for the past four years, I’m inundated and overwhelmed by whatever has happened in the few weeks of this brutal, brilliant, abbreviated month. I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s the shortest month of the year…how does it ALWAYS manage to pack a gut punch and a half? It probably doesn’t help that Valentine’s Day, with all it’s socially trappings and expectations, is in there, along with my wedding anniversary. Which my husband did the sweetest thing as an anniversary gift. At Wicked Faire this year, he had the DJ tech person play our wedding song during the Later Night Atrium Dance Party so we could dance to it. (Cue the chorus of “awwwwws”).

All told, it was a mostly good weekend for us personally, except for the one night he fucked up a promise. That hurt. But we’ve discussed it, he’s apologized, and we’ve moved on. And the next night’s anniversary present helped. But I’m glad that it didn’t affect him hanging out with his girlfriend and that he got to spend one of the nights with her. Long distance relationships suck, especially when you only see each other a few times a year and you’re also working during those times.

Anyway, this year, February’s Fucking Feelfest snuck up on me. I though I could escape the flood and was dealing with the past and present well. And maybe I am. But it all finally overtook me last night.

This year, there were good things on the horizon early on in the month and exciting things that happened and I made strides that I hadn’t expected. For instance, I got my ass back up on the burlesque stage, went completely topless for the first time on a public stage, pushed myself in some ways within my own relationship only to find it really didn’t need pushing at all and was completely fine, stood up for myself when things were not going as promised and mostly handled it productively.

These were the normal ups and downs, with some extra awesome thrown in. For example, seriously, so happy about performing at the last Wicked Faire. This song was floating in my brain most of the day Saturday:

I don’t know why I’m frightened
I know my way around here
The cardboard trees, the painted scenes, the sound here
Yes, a world to rediscover
But I’m not in any hurry
And I need a moment
The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways
The atmosphere as thrilling here as always
Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why everything’s as if we never said goodbye
I’ve spent so many mornings
Just trying to resist you
I’m trembling now
You can’t know how I’ve missed you
Missed the fairy-tale adventures
In this ever-spinning playground
We were young together

“As If we Never Said Goodbye” – Sunset Boulevard

But there were also some crazy, head-exploding moments from the weekend, including seeing someone in an entirely new light and trying to reconcile all of that then freaking out a little and doing my best to not run in the opposite direction for fear of fucking everything up, having him laugh at me, not knowing the current style of his relationship with his girlfriend and not wanting to inadvertently hurt her which would suck because she’s amazing, and just generally it took a lot to keep that together and to myself and sometimes I failed spectacularly. Added to that was the fact that I still had to do my job, and had that performance I was just talking about, and for some reason, decided this was the event I was going to experience the party side of the nights so I got into two room parties I’d only ever heard of previously. Wound up having some intense, awesome experiences and conversations. The more I opened up, I found, the more there were awesome people around to further the amazing experiences, from an really cool guided imagery massage that helped me sober up to a really interesting conversation about poly and couple privilege that has rocked my brain a little and given me a perspective on it that I never considered before.

Woman, open the door; don’t let it sting.

I wanna breathe that fire again.

-“Read My Mind” by the Killers

And there’s a part of me that’s just aching to breathe the fire I’ve felt before again. To rise from the ashes and explore feelings I get so rarely. And I have to temper that with other people, distance, time…life. But it ties into me wanting to get back into playing and unearthing my kink drive again, which has been dormant for way too long. Sure, she gets out and makes a quick walk around the block sometimes, but on a whole…I know I can go deeper. I have gone deeper. I need to go deeper again. Thankfully, there are a few interesting prospects on the horizon, but it’s coming back down to a game of hurry up and wait. But I am grateful for those people in my life who are there and want to explore and play with me. They are some truly excellent people.

Then there’s the thing where all of the people and things that are happening currently remind me or touch on some part of my past. The metamour who might be core monagamous or poly-friendly, but there’s no real way to know yet is dredging up some things from how I used to be when I first got into poly which is, in turn, pointing out some glaring mistakes I made that I now regret. Part of me wishes I could tell that to my two exes, but since they’re not talking to me, it’s a moot subject. Well, maybe not moot. Just I only get to have internal realizations and not apologize directly.  And really, there’s so much more to it than the mistakes I made anyway, but those are the only things I can control and apologize for. And god, I would apologize for the apparently standard practice of poly newbies to create rules up the wazoo in a fucked up attempt of protecting the primariness and specialness that I was so desperately afraid of losing. In my case, and in many cases, from what I’m reading and have read over the years, it tends to have the opposite affect of and instead pushes people away. Also, knowing now how better to handle jealousy and where it comes from, this article that I read years ago on the subject makes so much more sense.

Really, jealousy is just a fear of something being lost or taken away. It’s a feeling that points out where you feel there is an imbalance. And the “feel “part of that is the most important, to me, at least. Because it’s not always the case. Something isn’t necessarily being taken away. Sometimes it is. But sometimes new and wonderful things can be there to replace it if we let them. But for me, I’ve finally learned that when I’m feeling jealous, it generally doesn’t mean that I want the other person to stop what they’re doing, but that I’d really like some of what they’re doing, maybe at some point in the future.

For example, when I get jealous of the screen of emojis I see my husband texting to a love interest, it doesn’t mean he has to stop sending emojis or stop texting that person. It means I tell him that I’d really like to get some of those at some point, too, to spice up our texts. It has nothing to do with limiting or controlling his behavior anymore, in an attempt to reinforce that I’m The Most Important Snowflake Ever. I come from a place of love and knowing that he can send emojis to more than one person and it’s okay. But it’s equally okay to say something in a non-accusatory way about trying to get some sweet, sweet emoji loving, too. But on the flip side, if he’s doing that during a pre-set date night with me, then that’s a problem and I’d ask him to stop and let his sweetie know that we’re on a date and he can sext her lots later or tomorrow. In that latter case, it’s not about controlling my partner’s behavior, but both of us honoring and respecting the time and attention of the partner we’ve agreed to spend a certain amount of time with.

I’ve been struggling with this concept of poly with no rules for a while now, but it’s making more sense to me. The more I let go of my fear with my husband and begin to open up to the people he wants to explore with and the people I want to explore with, the more I find this ringing true. But it’s still struggling with my hierarchical core. But what I’m finding more and more is that once I transcend the fear of abandonment and realize I will be okay whether or not I have a primary, the stronger my primary relationship gets and the happier we both are pursuing the feelings and desires we have outside of each other. It’s a weird paradox, kinda like that quote about taking a leap and building your wings on the way down. And it’s come with its fair share of tears, anxiety, confusion, and loneliness. But it’s also been balanced out with a joy and openness and relief I didn’t expect. Also, I still think “no rules” can coexist with hierarchy, but it can get complicated.

Along the lines of where my head is kinda at right now, there’s this article that focuses more on solo polyamory, but has a quote I adore:

“…falling in love doesn’t equate to inhibiting your freedoms or my own. When I fall for you, it means you mean something to me, and I ultimately want to be a part of your life that makes you happy and builds you up. I’m not expecting anything from our relationship beyond the present moment, but I’m also not closed to the idea of a deeper connection developing. I want to see what happens when neither one of us is pushing or angling for anything.”

SO MUCH THAT.

Man, love is fucking complicated.

And just like in that article, I had to learn the hard way that love does not equal compatibility, nor does it alone solve relationship problems, nor does it mean I have to sacrifice myself endlessly in the name of love. These were hard lessons to learn. Four years ago in February, a day after Wicked Faire ended, I woke up and asked my now ex-husband a question that was the catalyst for us all (I was in a triad marriage) to begin the long, painful process of ending a relationships/marriages that had stretched from 10 to 13 years.

And it sucks because even though there are multiple reasons why it’s probably the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m better off now, and they are, too, it still hurts. There’s the part of me that wanted my first real love to want me more than anything else. Want to stay with me forever. “true love” was supposed to be in my favor. I started out as the primary, after all.

How sad and sweet it is that I actually felt that way. My understanding about the nature of love has evolved so much over the past four years that it’s kind of staggering and I have to catch myself up sometimes. Remind myself that what feels familiar is not what I actually believe anymore. Remind myself that there’s so much of the stuff in this article that I used to do because I was so afraid. Demotion, displacement, intrusion…well, I tried not to do too much of the intrusion. But god…I was a wreck when we first opened up our relationship. In between being in love with our then girlfriend, I was a goddamned wreck. My boyfriend’s chemistry with her was palpable, and for an empath who hadn’t even begun to learn much about being an empath, that just fucking wrecked me. I couldn’t feel her in the same way as I felt him and her. I now know, since hindsight is 20/20, that that also had to do with the fact that I was a cuckquean, but had no clue about that word or what it entailed way back then. This all created some intense drama and difficulty that was sometimes balanced with moments of poly clarity and brilliance. Sometimes balanced.

Fuck, it’s been a long road.

More than anything, I’m really happy to have discovered this piece about Casual Love by Carsie Blanton because it sums up my feelings about love. I used to think it was this precious commodity that came with specific things that I should have or get or that other people should do to ensure my primacy and specialness. Now I endeavor to understand and embrace love in all it’s messy glory. For friends that are awesome even when they’re annoying, for family even when they cut you so deep you examine everything about who you are, for lovers who make really fucking huge mistakes, and for all the good that all of the above do, and all the experiences that we’ve shared and could share in the future.

It’s funny; a friend and possible D/s partner texted me recently to tell me he had an odd realization about me that he wanted to share. Apparently, he feels I don’t have a mean bone in my body and I have an openness and kindness in my face that’s apparent.

Upon reading this, I was struck with two conflicting reactions. Being touched and outright laughter.

It’s an incredible compliment to be considered so open and kind. It’s also hysterical that people don’t think I don’t have a mean bone in my body. I’m human, for fuck’s sake. As I told him, I believe everyone has a light and dark side, including me. I just try really hard not to indulge or dwell in it. All humans have both inside.

Granted, I’ve spent the better part of two decades trying to over-correct for the mistakes I saw people making around me when I was growing up, like racism, homophobia, xenophobia, fear of any new experiences or people or things. I respect and honor my dark side and work my ass off not to let fear run my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel fear, or that I never have mean thoughts, or that I haven’t done stupid, thoughtless, bad things. Again, see HUMAN. But I over-analyze so much about relationships and people and that includes myself, so I prefer to err on the side of joy, wonder, and discovery. This quote from Rainer Maria Rilke is one of my favorites and it’s kind of my motto:

“We must assume our existence as broadly as we in any way can; everything, even the unheard-of, must be possible in it. That is at bottom the only courage that is demanded of us: to have courage for the most strange, the most singular and the most inexplicable that we may encounter. That mankind has in this sense been cowardly has done life endless harm…But fear of the inexplicable has not alone impoverished the existence of the individual; the relationship between one human being and another has also been cramped by it, as though it had been lifted out of the riverbed of endless possibilities and set down in a fallow spot on the bank, to which nothing happens. For it is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed: it is shyness before any sort of new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence.”

I think this approach to being open to enigmatical things was what led to me exploring my first ever casual sex experience at Wicked Faire last year. (again, y’know, February). Which was great, but I still kinda went stone butch in that I had no problem giving sexually the person I was with, but wasn’t able to accept sexual reciprocation. I’m not disappointed; this person gave me some AWESOME and totally fulfilling sensation play that I was craving.

But now I’m trying to sort through some even more mysterious feelings and trying not to get too far ahead of myself, because there are other people involved and I’m states away and have a lot on my plate and it’s just got levels of complexity and…yeah.

It’s a lot to sort through and last night, after talking with the new person, I just got off the phone and needed to drive. And cry. And sing. At the top of my lungs. The open highway called me and I just let it all come in. Felt it all. The past, the pain, the sensation, the burlesque and creativity, the love, the loss, the moving on, the fear, the desire, the concern…just so much to feel and process.

And just some bonus content…a playlist of songs I can’t get out of my head lately that fit various parts of all this:

  1. Read My Mind – The Killers
  2. Just Enough – Charlotte Sometimes
  3. I Get Off – Halestorm
  4. Dreams – Brandi Carlile
  5. All This and Heaven Too – Florence + the Machine
  6. Amazed – Poe
  7. Epoch – HUMANWINE
  8. Holding On To Good – Delta Rae
  9. Fearless Love – Melissa Etheridge
  10. Independent Love Song – Scarlett
  11. Suddenly – Les Mis MPS
  12. As If We’ve Never Said Goodbye – Glee version, from Sunset Boulevard
  13. Arsonist’s Lullaby – Hozier
  14. Have to Drive – Amanda Fucking Palmer
  15. Time Ago – Black Lab
  16. The Winner Takes It All – Meryl Streep, Mamma Mia
  17. Fake Plastic trees – Radiohead
  18. Wild Awake – Tylan
  19. Under Pressure – Queen/David Bowie