If you would’ve told me 15 years ago, when I first started on this crazy journey called polyamory, that I would be telling my future husband, who was about to go on an impromptu first date that I found out about a few hours before because that’s when he made it about it, that it was not only okay for his date to stay over in our spare bedroom but that he could stay with her and for them both to figure out what they want the evening to look like amongst themselves but use protection if that included sex and clearly say no when I wasn’t okay with or into something…I would’ve called you fucking crazy. And then broken down crying imagining all the ways I was being left behind or forgotten.
If you would’ve told me even 10 years ago that a Mac truck/lightning bolt would hit me randomly in regards to someone I’ve worked with for a while and whom I’ve apparently been around more than I realized over the years but out paths never really crossed directly but now they not only crossed, the collision would cause me nothing short of emotional whiplash because I would get all these feelings I don’t usually get because there are certain levels I don’t often connect with people on and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing half the time so I just kind of go with the flow and hope my instincts are right and so far *knocks on wood* they have been, I would’ve laughed in your face.
And if you would’ve told me 5 years ago that all four of the relationships I was in would be ending within the year and that no matter how hard or how much I wanted to stay friends with certain exes, that something shifted somewhere which made it seemingly impossible and I have no idea what that shift was but just that I feel its effects all the damn time, BUT that I’d also have some rolicking adventures, get my heart thoroughly shattered but discover new and amazing ways to rebuild it, and wind up marrying a man that not only challenges me in ways I never dreamed but also has helped me grow and communicate better and whose energy just…works with mine on a daily basis, I would’ve said you were crazy.
And don’t even get me started on the wonderfully supportive polycule of awesome people I’ve found myself in, that spans at least eight different states and has helped me grow and learn about myself in so many ways and even when it’s awkward or painful, there’s so much love and support that sometimes, my heart literally feels like it’s about to burst from the happy of all kinds that we share.
There’s just been so much change. So much I wasn’t expecting, but that seems to be leading me down a path of more openness and kindness and love, so I’ll keep going. Leveling up, completing that previous chapter that was rife with horrible pain and rebuilding trust, and graduating to more difficult yet also much happier issues and being more in the forefront of the community instead of the reluctant poly poster child I was 14 years ago or so, has been very interesting. Too much to think about right now. But I wanted to get this down before I forgot it or talked myself out of writing. Insomnia’s at least good for something…