I’m kinda smitten.
With my metamour.
It’s a different kind of smitten, but she’s…really fucking awesome. We’re scary alike in some ways (What?! You don’t do chocolate and peanut butter either?! We’re so rare! Everybody pushes their Reese’s love in my face. I even wrote a guest blog for kinkyasexuals about it, likening it to how I don’t usually mix sex and kink.) Also, we have some similar fallout things from past traumas (wow, we’re way better off without selfish people in our lives, amirite?) and get along really well.
Another thing we happen to have in common is having feelings for the same guy.
What we don’t have in common is relationships styles.
She identifies as monogamous, whereas he and I identify as polyamorous.
He and I also identify as, um, having feeling for each other.
It’s a little complicated, but so far…we’re all talking. Figuring things out. She’s willing to try.
We had a two and a half hour car ride together yesterday to check out a hotel for work. I was petrified. I’ve been so scared of doing something to break this all. To hurt her. To piss him off. To be too much. Want too much. Go too far. (Having an anxiety disorder when dealing with this kind of thing is the special fucked up kind of FUN. *headdesk*)
I don’t want to push her boundaries or comfort levels. Well, okay. Let’s be honest. I kinda do want to push comfort levels…slightly. Because without that, there’s no growth. But. I don’t want to harm her. I’m not out for just selfish pursuits.
However, at some point during the ride, I took a deep breath and leapt into talking about…IT. US. The three of us, the two of us…all that poly and feelings business. The elephant in the car, as it were.
And I think…I think it went well. He thought it went well. She and I are talking and it seems to be okay. I thanked her for something incredibly sweet and helpful she did. I was not in a good place at one point and she gave me her finger and “finger hugged” me. She said it’s something she does when you can’t give a full hug and as a person who is as big on touch as I am…it meant the world to me to be able to connect to her like that and have a grounding touch.
But. On the flip side, since I am so touch-oriented, this manifests as me being afraid to touch him or hug him too long. We were in the car alone while she went into the rest stop and there was no touching. We talked a little bit. But yeah.
I mean, hell…we haven’t even kissed yet. He and I have talked about things. What we’re interested in, in kink, in life, in relationships, in work. But aside from an adorably chaste surprise kiss on the cheek he gave me (that I think was more my hair than cheek) when we parted ways yesterday and a smattering of really strong hugs…nothing physical.
We’re taking it slowly. I’m reading all I can about mono/poly relationships, how to help someone who’s monogamous be more comfortable with a polyamorous partner and with a metamour. I don’t want her to think of me as an interloper. I mean, I’m total kitchen table poly all the way.
I want to be friends. I don’t want to be an adversary. I don’t see relationships as competitive sports anymore. I’m relatively “safe”. Married, live states away, been poly for a while, so I know the language and most of the pitfalls, have other interests and am fiercely independent. I’m not out to steal her man. I just want to…share him sometimes and see what kind of adventures we could get up to.
In looking for things to read to educate myself about this new type of relationship style I don’t have much experience with, I came across this comic that made me think of her. And we’re not this saccharine, but…it’s totally possible to care about other people in different ways. And I would totally hug the fluff off of her if she were wearing a fluffy coat like this. I mean, I already covet her socks and boots. Cause they’re nifty.
Just…in different ways. Diverse feels.
I’m glad they’ve both come into my life, for different reasons. I think we have a lot to teach each other, a lot of adventures to have together and in various groupings of one on one, and the gratitude I feel right now for that is kind of awesome.
*Stress dyslexia is a thing. A thing I have. So when searching for metamour comics, I wound up typing “meatmour”. Which made me giggle.