Yet Another Chokehold. Or, can’t yet.

Choke on the words

I can’t say.

Yet.

Hold back the feelings

I can’t share.

Yet.

Silence the dreams

I can’t fulfill.

Yet.

Hide the flame in my eyes

I can’t control.

Yet.

Possess that piece

I can’t access

alone.

***

“I see submission as a drive, like the drive to eat or sleep. Yes, I believe that submissives tend to gain fulfillment through pleasing. But I think it goes deeper; I also believe they have a restless energy inside them, which seeks use, needs an outlet. And like the sex drive, with which it’s often confused, the submissive drive is that most frustrating of needs: a passion which can only be really satisfied through the contact with others.”

***

“And I feel there is a piece of you which doesn’t belong to you and never did. It may be integral to you. But it’s also alien to you. You may poke at it with thoughts and feelings and experiences, you may even take hold of that same piece when you find it in others. But your own piece of it, you cannot touch. It is crosslinked, perhaps, with the instincts of submission – fear and hunger and fight-or-flight. It manifests, when not controlled, in dissatisfaction, incompleteness, emptiness. Need.

And I have to reverse the world to get it from you.

I have to frighten you, intimidate and scare and shake and paralyze you into giving it to me.

I have to beat and push and force you to give me what you want to give me.

I have to stun and shock and system-overload you.

And most of all, I have to earn your trust.

It’s easy for a psychopath to do those things, and make you hate it.

My art is that, in my hands, you accept these things. And whether outwardly or not, you smile.

If I go past your consent, I become psychotic.

If I do only what you want, I have no control.

So I push you.”

-Jeff Mach, from Give: Some explorations of Submission

***

For the longest time, I had a sign on my wall that simply said “PUSH.” Submission is at the core of who I am. I’ve been trained, by two different people, for years. It’s difficult to not have that now. I miss being pushed. Not just physically, though that, too. Into walls, down on the ground or the bed is always fun. But mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It’s not a religious thing, but my spirit, my energy yearns towards that. Aching to be pushed.

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