Title from the song “Patience” by Guns N Roses
What do you do with neediness?
An ache in your body that can only be soothed by contact with certain people? And sometimes, only by certain types of contact?
I don’t want to be too clingy with anyone in my life. But it’s a hard balance between not being too clingy and feeling so hungry…for interaction, connection, touch, sensation, service, submission.
There are things I don’t know yet with the burgeoning new relationship that hasn’t quite gotten off the ground yet. I mean…there’s chemistry. Dear god, there’s chemistry. And mutual interest. But who knows what it’s going to look like and feel like once we actually have time alone together? So we wait and see. I’ve got a laundry list of questions and such that are…too early to ask. Or I’m too scared. I’m afraid to want it too much. Eventually, there will come a time. Some have come up naturally so far.
This whole thing is unfolding in many unexpected but awesome ways, so I’m just going to trust in it to keep doing that with some gentle direction. Not a death grip. Not with panic. So I pull back. Gently…trying to avoid the desire to run fast and furious in the opposite direction the way I’m used to. Giving it room to breathe and grow.
And with my husband, there’s a balance of when he’s got his own stuff going on and how to help support him while also trying to get what I need. And when his stuff is off, and he pulls away, as it currently is, balancing that with my stuff being off is…difficult. I wind up feeling exhausted and sad and really needy and I don’t want to be that.
I’ve been wanting to go back to the fetish club in town, but I’ve either been too tired or we had date night planned or I’ve been too raw to be around people I don’t know that well yet. Hopefully this weekend, as it would be good to find local connections.
So. I listen to music. I write. I try to reach out to the few other people who understand. I try to take it slow and not get too ahead of myself. I’ve been kneeling every day just for practice and reconnecting to the feeling. I’m glad I started now because if anyone were to tell me to at any point in soon, I might’ve just started crying like I did by myself that first time. Or not. Who knows? I’m just glad I’m dealing with some of this now so it doesn’t spill over and color everything. Just gonna keep trying to find other ways to feed the need that’s been sleeping for so long.And the ones that haven’t been but have nowhere currently to…find rest and release.