“I’m not on fire, not burned out…just somewhere different now.”

“Somewhere Different Now” by Girlyman

So many relationship issues on my mind lately. Romantic, kink, friendships, blood family, work, my own with myself…it’s a little overwhelming.

The intertwining threads are a little maddening sometimes. How this person is connected to this person is connected to this person. How some threads become unraveled so easily and others stay strong, and which ones are which can be surprises, while some aren’t. And how just because you knew some threads would unravel, doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you sad when you suddenly lose a favorite metaphorical scarf or sweater. A friendship or relationship or something that kept you warm, made you feel good at one point in your life. A person you’ve loved for what feels like forever, or someone you thought you had so much potential, chemistry, connection with and they’re just….gone. And maybe you’ll find your way back. Maybe it can be knitted back together. Or maybe they’ve run their course in your life. There’s no real way to know for certain right now.

I don’t deal well with uncertainty. Must be why I recently picked up the book I couldn’t get through two years ago called, *ahem*, The Art of Uncertainty. Topical, that.

It feels like so much around me is tenuous lately. Not sure where I stand in some situations and relationships, yet solidly planted with others, but watching swirling winds and circumstances trying to uproot me, or so it feels like. Occasionally swatting away ghost whispers in my ear from the past. Also fighting a tremendous feeling of powerlessness as I watch people I care about get blown round by the fierce winds of change. Doing the best I can with that all. Some days are easier than others. I keep reminding myself that I’m not the only one feeling some of these things: loss, loneliness, anger, confusion, exhaustion, desire, fire, fear, momentum, frustrating blows, massive change.

I’m right in the middle of a bunch of things happening and in some cases, I’m afforded the luxury of maintaining neutrality. But lately, not so much in others.

With myself, I’m uncovering parts of me that haven’t seen the light of day in more than five years. I thought my submissive and Dominant sides were hibernating…that’s noting compared to what I’ve rediscovered recently. Thankfully, I have some helpful guiding forces and people but it’s likely going to be a largely solo journey for a while. Which is fine. Plenty of work for me to do, which will keep me focused instead of…clingy and bothersome.

That whole discovery is also leading to some less cryptic things I have to face about myself. Like the unhealthy ways I’ve dealt with anxiety in the past that are now changing. Like the way I’ve allowed myself to become too sedentary in between events. I’m very grateful my job lets me telecommute, but I have to get my ass up from the computer regularly and exercise more than just the classes I teach.

Speaking of telecommuting, my husband and I recently decided we’re going to be moving back to the east coast. The flying back and forth is getting a little ridiculous in it’s frequency. No clear timeline yet, but we’re looking at the end of this year or the beginning of the next at the latest. A lot of factors have to go into that, though.

Had a weird experience today while shopping. A cognitive dissonance and body dysphoria I get when I’m in full butch mode. Which was today. And even though I knew that was the case, for some reason, I decided to go dress shopping and everything felt crazy wrong, even though parts of me are saying that on another day, I’d really like that dress. But all I want now are my Docs and a pair of hiking capris.

My brain and body is a strange place to be lately.

I’m not really sure the point of all this…just a rambling attempt to get out some of the things in my head and heart and life right now.

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2 thoughts on ““I’m not on fire, not burned out…just somewhere different now.”

    • When I first started reading it, it made me feel incredibly jangled and scared. Lately, though, it’s just…fitting. It’s still something that I have to learn, but I think I’m finally ready.

      Like

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