“Hi Brad, I’ve just come to tell you how fabulous I am!”

(Title quote from the movie “Shock Treatment”)

So. This is going to be a weird post for me to write. It has to do with people wanting me. Which…is a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around much of the time. In my last post, I talked about being lonely and also talked (vaguely) about various issues I have connecting with other partners who are interested in me.

What I didn’t cover were the people who are interested in me that I…just don’t feel the same way about. I tend to forget when I’m on a pity party that there are about 3 or 4 people who want to play with me or be in some kind of more-than-friendship relationship with me…if only I felt the same way or circumstances were different.

This got brought home to me in a weird way today. See, there’s this guy that has been hitting on me on Fetlife. And my husband says he was just trolling me. And maybe he is. Maybe he really does want to get together and have sex with me, and was very interested in orgasm control. My husband says that if I shut him down, this guy would turn on me and be like all the other trolls out there. But I decided to handle it my own way. I told him that I wasn’t interested in sex right away and it takes me a while to build up to that. FetlifeGuy said that was fine, as long we could sext, he’d have no problem with waiting. And I love to sext. But I was just…underwhelmed by him. I’m realizing more and more lately that plain sex doesn’t do much for me, even with orgasm control thrown in. And that I don’t have to jump at “opportunities” that I don’t really want just because I’m afraid there will never be the kind I do want. So I never got back to him and pretty much never expected to hear from him again and was fine with that.

But then he messaged me again today…a month later. Granted, it wasn’t all that eloquent or elaborate. Simply a “Soo”. Like…that was the entirety of the message. But the fact that it happened, and my reaction to it, helped remind me of a few things.

  1. I immediately went, “Oh, seriously. This fucking guy again?” Or something like that. Which amused me because I clearly was not investing my self esteem in some random guy messaging me. And it was more of an irritation than anything.
  2. People do want me. I have to remember this when I’m in the throes of “woe is me”. And sometimes, I really wish I wanted them the same way they’ve expressed wanting me. It would make things so much easier. But I’ve never been able to do that. Sex is something very, very difficult for me to think about doing and that “on” switch doesn’t go on easily. Or very often, person-wise. But once it’s on…let’s just say I’m adventurous and eager. Other words you could use are “proud slut”. Whatevs.  But similarly to how I’ve never faked an orgasm, I can’t fake sexual attraction. And few people understand how I can flirt up a storm but have no desire to get jiggy with their jiggly bits. Sensual attraction is so different for me than sexual attraction. I feel sensually attracted to many people. But you start talking about how wet or hard you are or that you want me to touch you somewhere or me to touch you and I’m running for the nearest exit. In a different time and place, I’d be called a tease, but I think I’m fairly up front about the fact that I don’t want sex. You will know, explicitly, if I am sexually attracted to you. And since most of the people reading this are not the 2-3 people I’m currently sexually attracted to out of the whole world’s population, odds are, it’s not you.
  3. The kind of deep connection that I prefer and need takes time to build up. And sometimes along the way, the relationships I’m investing in and hoping to build won’t pan out. That happens. It’s likely currently happening for one relationship in my life. That’s okay. Saying no to what I don’t want will help me refine and get closer to what I do, and it will help to not clog up my time and energy in the process.
  4. Seriously, dude? You think “Soo” is a good way to pick a conversation back up? SMH

So I end this with a weird video montage going in my head. One is Janet from “Shock Treatment” stopping by to tell Brad how fabulous she is (for me, it’s an ironic reference, not in earnest to the original) and the other is a Rosie O’Donnell stand up from the 90’s, talking about how when someone says they’re interested in you and you aren’t interested in them, you should go home, turn on the Black and Decker vibrator and sing “I’m too sexy for my shirt…”

It’s just nice to have my brain go in positive direction. I’d like to encourage this and also record it for posterity.

“Funny what they give you when you just learn how to ask.”

Can’t you do it for me?
I’ll pay you well
Fuck, I’ll pay you anything
If you could end this

Can’t you just fix it for me?
It’s gone berserk
Fuck, I’ll give you anything
If you can make the damn thing work

“The Perfect Fit” by The Dresden Dolls

Sometimes, in long term relationships, sex kinda wanes. The frequency goes down, things get stale, life and bills and stress and work get in the way. This gets even more complicated when you’re dealing with polyamory. Since my husband and I are heading into our fourth year of marriage, this is something we’ve been dealing with for a bit now.

We’ve had fights about it, talked about it therapy, tried various methods to “rekindle the spark” and nothing has really stuck. Pair this with the fact that I’m kinky and either demisexual or selectively sexual, which means I don’t meet people I want to have sex with all that often, and on the other extreme of course my husband is someone who is the exact opposite of demisexual and not all that kinky. We’ve pretty much settled on words like “french vanilla” or “sporadically sadistic” to describe his interest and drive for kink. Technically, he doesn’t really have a drive for kink. He has a primary sex drive, whereas I have a primary kink drive. If sex can be added, that’s cool and all, but it’s not the most important thing for me when meeting new partners. In fact, it’s generally not a thing for me at all when meeting new partners.

This is a difficult pairing to maintain long term. He’s way more flirty than me, though I do enjoy flirting a lot. He can conceive of casual sex, whereas I really have to have some kind of emotional connection to someone to make that happen.

This has manifested in many situations where he is flirting with someone, or pursuing a relationship with someone, or making out with someone and I’m…not. I ended my last D/s relationship, which had threaded it’s way throughout my life for something like a decade or so, about two years ago because of work and personal complications that I simply couldn’t manage. To say that was hard is putting it exceptionally mildly. Thankfully, I still have that person in my life. And up until earlier this year, I haven’t had much of anything going on in my life by the way of partners.

Unfortunately, there are a few issues with any of the people I’m interested in currently besides my husband. Mostly that they’re all on the East coast and I’m not. Well, yet. We’re going to be moving soon, so that’s cool. But overall, I’ve been feeling very lonely for various reasons.

And here’s where my logic goes:

If my husband doesn’t make advances towards me, it means he doesn’t want me anymore. When I see him get excited about and actively making plans to see and have sex with his girlfriend when we were in town last month, but never musters that same excitement nor makes any plans to do that with me, it hurts. It feels like I’ve lost and I shouldn’t bother. And it doesn’t help when I try making advances on him and he says he’s not in the mood.

He tries telling me that he does still want me, but that his sex drive waxes and wanes, and he also doesn’t have a lot of skill points built up for long term relationship maintenance. He loves NRE and the rush of new feelings, letting them carry him along.

Whereas my last long term relationship was 10 – 13 years long. Up until the last 6 months – 2 years, the sex was pretty regular and fairly awesome. Both of my previous partners from that triad were kinky and while they weren’t into public play and were more geared towards poly fidelity than I was, we were fairly experimental and did a LOT in that decade.

All of this has built up in me to a fever pitch recently. I’ve been starved for attention, horny as hell, and really lonely. It’s not a good combination. There’ve been more fights. About a month or so ago, I told him I was going to stop mentioning it at all because I couldn’t stand hoping for something and bringing it up and it going poorly time and time again. I told him that he obviously knew where I lived and if he wanted something, he could let me know.

Then one day, after a particularly bad fight a few weeks ago, I went for a drive. Driving tends to help me clear my head and think about things in an easier way. Something about the combination of feeling like I’m actually in control of something in my life and blasting my music just lets me process things in a way that I can’t when I’m cooped up in a building. On this drive, I had an epiphany.

I’d been waiting for my husband to come to me. To throw me down and fuck me, to tell me he wanted me. And sometimes he did…but generally only when he wanted me to do something to him. I couldn’t remember the last time he ever did anything solely for me. Or told me he wanted me or missed me. But he did tell me or ask me when he wanted me to do things to him. So…why couldn’t I do the same thing? I realized I could only think of one instance in our entire marriage where I just went up to him and asked him to have sexy times for me. Not for him, not even for us…just because I was horny and I wanted him to get me off.

As someone who considers herself sex-positive, it blew my mind that I just don’t do this. But then again, when I thought about it more, I knew why. I may be a switch, but the majority of me is a service-oriented submissive. I want to please the people I care about, and much of the time, this will be to the exclusion of myself. It’s not something to pity. I’m just built differently. Egalitarian, vanilla sex bores me. I used to think I wanted to make love more, but one of my exes asked me once if I realized I like making love for about 5 minutes and after that, I was begging to be fucked and taken, rode hard for their pleasure.

Because that’s the other really fucking difficult part of all this. I have a real and true fetish…as a cuckquean. I’ve recently discovered it doesn’t just textbook apply to my husband but can extend to others that I have a sexual connection to. It’s my primary source for masturbation fantasies. It’s one of two types of porn I look at, and it’s the kind I look at 95% of the time. (God bless you, tumblr)

But let’s look at what this means: I’m a demisexual submissive who’s actual fetish is being a cuckquean. There are three different levels of why I don’t think about asking for something solely for my own pleasure. It’s so wrapped up in and dependent on another person, and the specificity of another person (currently there are two in the world that fit this bill, so that’s…extremely limited) that it’s no wonder that I’m lonely and frustrated, even though I’m married and have some interesting prospects, I think.

I mean…first of all, I don’t form sexual connections easily. Then there’s the fact that I want to primarily please those connections when I make them. THEN you add to it that I get off more strongly if that person I worked so hard to make that connection with fucks someone else. And tells me how much they like it. And hearing them enjoy as it’s happening is…intensely erotic doesn’t even begin to cover it. Holy hell, humans are fucking complex.

So I’m learning how to overcome those things to have a good sex life with my husband. And last night…I just asked for something for me. It started as awkward but got way less awkward pretty quickly.

Last night was pretty damn good.

We all fall down.

In my last post, I mentioned that I’ve “been in a bit of a funk lately.” In actuality, I’ve been feeling really fucked up. Life in general has been a bit rough and there are more poly things going on in my life, both directly and affecting people I know and a care about, than I know how to deal with, which is saying something because I’m usually the one my friends come to with poly stuff. I like listening and helping people and I’ve been poly for nearly fifteen years, so it works out.

Lately, though…it’s been hella hard.

I’ve been lonely. Hurt. Confused. Sad. Angry. Feeling like no matter what I do, I’m failing. Falling down, all the time.

And it’s just been an inundation. Every day is something new. A fight or problem or something new I have to be strong about. Or a new way that I was hoping for some kind of relief or release or type of connection that just didn’t happen and may never again. And I don’t use absolutes often.

I hate being so pessimistic…but I’ve felt like shit lately and also rapidly losing hope.

This post is my attempt to get it out in a different way while trying not to get lost in it. I’ve been working with a friend to help me seek out ways to strengthen myself and my submissive heart, which helps both with kinky and poly things. These include worthiness affirmations, assisting me in finding some good goals for July like exercising every damn day and writing in my D/s journal every day and putting energy and effort into manifesting a good place to live on the East coast, because it’s time for us to move back.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of red-tailed hawks. I know they’re native to this area, but I generally don’t see them often. I only tend to see them in mega doses, as they seem to be a totem for me for the last 20 years or so. According to this page, they are divine messengers:

An overabundance of red-tailed hawk spirit animals in our lives can mean that our prayers are being answered… the answers are being brought to us on hawk’s wings. What are you wishing for right now? What are your dreams? Are you able to recognize the gifts being brought to you and the doors open before you?

If you are not able to see the gifts coming your way the red-tails may be coming to assist you and to CALL your attention to them. They can help you identify who in your tribe is granting and fostering these gifts. The hawks may be calling your attention to old habits, patterns, or defenses that are getting in the way of you relating to your fellow humans. Listen and be willing to let your guard down. Trust your reputation into the talons of the red-tail and you will be rewarded.

I’m working on letting my guard down and trusting. It’s just really fucking difficult when it feels like every time I do in the last few weeks, it hurts in different ways. It’d be nice to believe that the things I’ve wished for are coming true. That some of the dreams I’ve had might actually become reality.

There are good things. Positive things. I struggle every day to see them.

I’m grateful to have a small core of friends, some of whom’ve been able to talk me off some ledges and through some overwhelming situations recently.

Radiomancy has been going off the hook, lately, and these two songs stumbled into my life at just the right time:

Mama, come here
Approach, appear
Daddy, I’m alone
‘Cause this house don’t feel like home
If you love me, don’t let go
Whoa, if you love me, don’t let go
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady
“Unsteady” by X Ambassadors

It just settles into a place in my heart that’s…yearning.

The other song reminds to just keep going. Just. Keep. Going.

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There’s no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you’ve gotta swim
Don’t let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it’s not as far as you think

“Swim” by Jack’s Mannequin

I’ve drifted a lot lately. And I’m feeling incredibly unsteady. But I’m going to keep going. I know I’ve been through difficult times before. I will get through this. Sometimes, though, it helps to just admit that things are hard right now. We all go through rough patches where the sun doesn’t ever seem to shine.

Thankfully, we had some respite from the horrid humidity in the shape of a bad ass thunderstorm this afternoon. It felt good to just stand out in it and let the wind and water wash over me.

I will keep fucking swimming.

The closest thing I have to a Bible

Laws-of-Spirit(Book review #6 – original post @ Cannonball Read 8)

About 15 years or so ago, way back when I was in college, my theater profession assigned us The Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman to read. I remember liking it a lot and when I later found myself in the local used bookshop, I looked around for other books by the author. The store had a copy of The Laws of Spirit: A Tale of Transformation. It was only about six dollars so I decided to get it. Coming in at just 110 pages, I figured it would be a quick read. Turns out…not so much.

I mean, it doesn’t take all that long to read, but there’s a lot of wisdom packed into this tiny little book. And just about every year or sometimes every other year, I reread it, cover to cover. Each time, I always find both an old lesson that I needed reminding of and something new that hits me. It’s told by the narrator, detailing his experience hiking one morning and running into a sage who takes him on a multi-day journey through the mountains while explaining and demonstrating the many laws of spirit.

This time around, as I usually am, I was taken by the chapter on the Law of Choices. This chapter and the opening interaction between the narrator and the sage have stayed with me for many years and I often think about it when I’m trying to make a choice:

The trail widened and split into three paths. “You lead for a while,” said the sage.

“But I don’t know where we’re going.”

She looked at me and smiled. “An interesting belief, Traveler, but I think you’ve always known where you were going, whether or not you were aware of it. So, which path will you choose?”

“Does it make any difference?”

“Ultimately? Not at all,” she replied. “In the end, all paths lead to the same destination. But one of these paths may lead into a green valley, another to a rocky peak, and a third into a dark woods. You can’t be sure where each trail leads; still, you must make a choice.”

I smiled at her. “I get the feeling you’re making some kind of point.”

“Choose your path; then we’ll talk.”

“Okay. Let’s go this way,” I said, pointing.

“Well?” she said as if she hadn’t heard me. “Are you going to choose?”

“I already did. I picked the center path.”

Again she spoke as if deaf to my voice. “Our time together is limited, Traveler. I suggest you make your choice so we can be on our way.”

“But I…” Suddenly I understood and began walking the center path.

“Just so! The Law of Choices tells us that decisions are not made with words, but with actions.”

The other chapter that freshly stood out to me this time was the Law of Action, or moving into life. This passage especially, hit home:

“But how does one overcome inertia?”

“By acknowledging three fundamental realities,” she replied. “First, by accepting our humanity and our physical presence in the world; second, by realizing that no one is going to live for us and that we only grow stronger from our own efforts; and third, by accepting that action may entail discomfort – and then getting on with it!

We no longer have the luxury of waiting until we feel safe and secure, inspired or motivated – until fear or doubt is looking the other way. We can no longer wait for someone to give us permission to act.”

This is a message I’ve needed to hear, as I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. It’s time to move forward and I am the only person who can do that. I do, thankfully, have some wonderful people to assist me and offer some live guidance, too. But I am the only one who can make choices as to what I’m going to do with my life.

Overall, I find it to be a very soothing book that helps me get back on track in life when I’m feeling a little lost and disconnected. I can’t wait to see what I discover the next time I read it.