In my last post, I mentioned that I’ve “been in a bit of a funk lately.” In actuality, I’ve been feeling really fucked up. Life in general has been a bit rough and there are more poly things going on in my life, both directly and affecting people I know and a care about, than I know how to deal with, which is saying something because I’m usually the one my friends come to with poly stuff. I like listening and helping people and I’ve been poly for nearly fifteen years, so it works out.
Lately, though…it’s been hella hard.
I’ve been lonely. Hurt. Confused. Sad. Angry. Feeling like no matter what I do, I’m failing. Falling down, all the time.
And it’s just been an inundation. Every day is something new. A fight or problem or something new I have to be strong about. Or a new way that I was hoping for some kind of relief or release or type of connection that just didn’t happen and may never again. And I don’t use absolutes often.
I hate being so pessimistic…but I’ve felt like shit lately and also rapidly losing hope.
This post is my attempt to get it out in a different way while trying not to get lost in it. I’ve been working with a friend to help me seek out ways to strengthen myself and my submissive heart, which helps both with kinky and poly things. These include worthiness affirmations, assisting me in finding some good goals for July like exercising every damn day and writing in my D/s journal every day and putting energy and effort into manifesting a good place to live on the East coast, because it’s time for us to move back.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of red-tailed hawks. I know they’re native to this area, but I generally don’t see them often. I only tend to see them in mega doses, as they seem to be a totem for me for the last 20 years or so. According to this page, they are divine messengers:
An overabundance of red-tailed hawk spirit animals in our lives can mean that our prayers are being answered… the answers are being brought to us on hawk’s wings. What are you wishing for right now? What are your dreams? Are you able to recognize the gifts being brought to you and the doors open before you?
If you are not able to see the gifts coming your way the red-tails may be coming to assist you and to CALL your attention to them. They can help you identify who in your tribe is granting and fostering these gifts. The hawks may be calling your attention to old habits, patterns, or defenses that are getting in the way of you relating to your fellow humans. Listen and be willing to let your guard down. Trust your reputation into the talons of the red-tail and you will be rewarded.
I’m working on letting my guard down and trusting. It’s just really fucking difficult when it feels like every time I do in the last few weeks, it hurts in different ways. It’d be nice to believe that the things I’ve wished for are coming true. That some of the dreams I’ve had might actually become reality.
There are good things. Positive things. I struggle every day to see them.
I’m grateful to have a small core of friends, some of whom’ve been able to talk me off some ledges and through some overwhelming situations recently.
Radiomancy has been going off the hook, lately, and these two songs stumbled into my life at just the right time:
Mama, come here
Daddy, I’m alone
‘Cause this house don’t feel like homeIf you love me, don’t let go
Whoa, if you love me, don’t let goHold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady“Unsteady” by X Ambassadors
It just settles into a place in my heart that’s…yearning.
The other song reminds to just keep going. Just. Keep. Going.
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There’s no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you’ve gotta swim
Don’t let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it’s not as far as you think
“Swim” by Jack’s Mannequin
I’ve drifted a lot lately. And I’m feeling incredibly unsteady. But I’m going to keep going. I know I’ve been through difficult times before. I will get through this. Sometimes, though, it helps to just admit that things are hard right now. We all go through rough patches where the sun doesn’t ever seem to shine.
Thankfully, we had some respite from the horrid humidity in the shape of a bad ass thunderstorm this afternoon. It felt good to just stand out in it and let the wind and water wash over me.
I will keep fucking swimming.