Can’t you do it for me?
I’ll pay you well
Fuck, I’ll pay you anything
If you could end this
Can’t you just fix it for me?
It’s gone berserk
Fuck, I’ll give you anything
If you can make the damn thing work
“The Perfect Fit” by The Dresden Dolls
Sometimes, in long term relationships, sex kinda wanes. The frequency goes down, things get stale, life and bills and stress and work get in the way. This gets even more complicated when you’re dealing with polyamory. Since my husband and I are heading into our fourth year of marriage, this is something we’ve been dealing with for a bit now.
We’ve had fights about it, talked about it therapy, tried various methods to “rekindle the spark” and nothing has really stuck. Pair this with the fact that I’m kinky and either demisexual or selectively sexual, which means I don’t meet people I want to have sex with all that often, and on the other extreme of course my husband is someone who is the exact opposite of demisexual and not all that kinky. We’ve pretty much settled on words like “french vanilla” or “sporadically sadistic” to describe his interest and drive for kink. Technically, he doesn’t really have a drive for kink. He has a primary sex drive, whereas I have a primary kink drive. If sex can be added, that’s cool and all, but it’s not the most important thing for me when meeting new partners. In fact, it’s generally not a thing for me at all when meeting new partners.
This is a difficult pairing to maintain long term. He’s way more flirty than me, though I do enjoy flirting a lot. He can conceive of casual sex, whereas I really have to have some kind of emotional connection to someone to make that happen.
This has manifested in many situations where he is flirting with someone, or pursuing a relationship with someone, or making out with someone and I’m…not. I ended my last D/s relationship, which had threaded it’s way throughout my life for something like a decade or so, about two years ago because of work and personal complications that I simply couldn’t manage. To say that was hard is putting it exceptionally mildly. Thankfully, I still have that person in my life. And up until earlier this year, I haven’t had much of anything going on in my life by the way of partners.
Unfortunately, there are a few issues with any of the people I’m interested in currently besides my husband. Mostly that they’re all on the East coast and I’m not. Well, yet. We’re going to be moving soon, so that’s cool. But overall, I’ve been feeling very lonely for various reasons.
And here’s where my logic goes:
If my husband doesn’t make advances towards me, it means he doesn’t want me anymore. When I see him get excited about and actively making plans to see and have sex with his girlfriend when we were in town last month, but never musters that same excitement nor makes any plans to do that with me, it hurts. It feels like I’ve lost and I shouldn’t bother. And it doesn’t help when I try making advances on him and he says he’s not in the mood.
He tries telling me that he does still want me, but that his sex drive waxes and wanes, and he also doesn’t have a lot of skill points built up for long term relationship maintenance. He loves NRE and the rush of new feelings, letting them carry him along.
Whereas my last long term relationship was 10 – 13 years long. Up until the last 6 months – 2 years, the sex was pretty regular and fairly awesome. Both of my previous partners from that triad were kinky and while they weren’t into public play and were more geared towards poly fidelity than I was, we were fairly experimental and did a LOT in that decade.
All of this has built up in me to a fever pitch recently. I’ve been starved for attention, horny as hell, and really lonely. It’s not a good combination. There’ve been more fights. About a month or so ago, I told him I was going to stop mentioning it at all because I couldn’t stand hoping for something and bringing it up and it going poorly time and time again. I told him that he obviously knew where I lived and if he wanted something, he could let me know.
Then one day, after a particularly bad fight a few weeks ago, I went for a drive. Driving tends to help me clear my head and think about things in an easier way. Something about the combination of feeling like I’m actually in control of something in my life and blasting my music just lets me process things in a way that I can’t when I’m cooped up in a building. On this drive, I had an epiphany.
I’d been waiting for my husband to come to me. To throw me down and fuck me, to tell me he wanted me. And sometimes he did…but generally only when he wanted me to do something to him. I couldn’t remember the last time he ever did anything solely for me. Or told me he wanted me or missed me. But he did tell me or ask me when he wanted me to do things to him. So…why couldn’t I do the same thing? I realized I could only think of one instance in our entire marriage where I just went up to him and asked him to have sexy times for me. Not for him, not even for us…just because I was horny and I wanted him to get me off.
As someone who considers herself sex-positive, it blew my mind that I just don’t do this. But then again, when I thought about it more, I knew why. I may be a switch, but the majority of me is a service-oriented submissive. I want to please the people I care about, and much of the time, this will be to the exclusion of myself. It’s not something to pity. I’m just built differently. Egalitarian, vanilla sex bores me. I used to think I wanted to make love more, but one of my exes asked me once if I realized I like making love for about 5 minutes and after that, I was begging to be fucked and taken, rode hard for their pleasure.
Because that’s the other really fucking difficult part of all this. I have a real and true fetish…as a cuckquean. I’ve recently discovered it doesn’t just textbook apply to my husband but can extend to others that I have a sexual connection to. It’s my primary source for masturbation fantasies. It’s one of two types of porn I look at, and it’s the kind I look at 95% of the time. (God bless you, tumblr)
But let’s look at what this means: I’m a demisexual submissive who’s actual fetish is being a cuckquean. There are three different levels of why I don’t think about asking for something solely for my own pleasure. It’s so wrapped up in and dependent on another person, and the specificity of another person (currently there are two in the world that fit this bill, so that’s…extremely limited) that it’s no wonder that I’m lonely and frustrated, even though I’m married and have some interesting prospects, I think.
I mean…first of all, I don’t form sexual connections easily. Then there’s the fact that I want to primarily please those connections when I make them. THEN you add to it that I get off more strongly if that person I worked so hard to make that connection with fucks someone else. And tells me how much they like it. And hearing them enjoy as it’s happening is…intensely erotic doesn’t even begin to cover it. Holy hell, humans are fucking complex.
So I’m learning how to overcome those things to have a good sex life with my husband. And last night…I just asked for something for me. It started as awkward but got way less awkward pretty quickly.
Last night was pretty damn good.