“Hi Brad, I’ve just come to tell you how fabulous I am!”

(Title quote from the movie “Shock Treatment”)

So. This is going to be a weird post for me to write. It has to do with people wanting me. Which…is a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around much of the time. In my last post, I talked about being lonely and also talked (vaguely) about various issues I have connecting with other partners who are interested in me.

What I didn’t cover were the people who are interested in me that I…just don’t feel the same way about. I tend to forget when I’m on a pity party that there are about 3 or 4 people who want to play with me or be in some kind of more-than-friendship relationship with me…if only I felt the same way or circumstances were different.

This got brought home to me in a weird way today. See, there’s this guy that has been hitting on me on Fetlife. And my husband says he was just trolling me. And maybe he is. Maybe he really does want to get together and have sex with me, and was very interested in orgasm control. My husband says that if I shut him down, this guy would turn on me and be like all the other trolls out there. But I decided to handle it my own way. I told him that I wasn’t interested in sex right away and it takes me a while to build up to that. FetlifeGuy said that was fine, as long we could sext, he’d have no problem with waiting. And I love to sext. But I was just…underwhelmed by him. I’m realizing more and more lately that plain sex doesn’t do much for me, even with orgasm control thrown in. And that I don’t have to jump at “opportunities” that I don’t really want just because I’m afraid there will never be the kind I do want. So I never got back to him and pretty much never expected to hear from him again and was fine with that.

But then he messaged me again today…a month later. Granted, it wasn’t all that eloquent or elaborate. Simply a “Soo”. Like…that was the entirety of the message. But the fact that it happened, and my reaction to it, helped remind me of a few things.

  1. I immediately went, “Oh, seriously. This fucking guy again?” Or something like that. Which amused me because I clearly was not investing my self esteem in some random guy messaging me. And it was more of an irritation than anything.
  2. People do want me. I have to remember this when I’m in the throes of “woe is me”. And sometimes, I really wish I wanted them the same way they’ve expressed wanting me. It would make things so much easier. But I’ve never been able to do that. Sex is something very, very difficult for me to think about doing and that “on” switch doesn’t go on easily. Or very often, person-wise. But once it’s on…let’s just say I’m adventurous and eager. Other words you could use are “proud slut”. Whatevs.  But similarly to how I’ve never faked an orgasm, I can’t fake sexual attraction. And few people understand how I can flirt up a storm but have no desire to get jiggy with their jiggly bits. Sensual attraction is so different for me than sexual attraction. I feel sensually attracted to many people. But you start talking about how wet or hard you are or that you want me to touch you somewhere or me to touch you and I’m running for the nearest exit. In a different time and place, I’d be called a tease, but I think I’m fairly up front about the fact that I don’t want sex. You will know, explicitly, if I am sexually attracted to you. And since most of the people reading this are not the 2-3 people I’m currently sexually attracted to out of the whole world’s population, odds are, it’s not you.
  3. The kind of deep connection that I prefer and need takes time to build up. And sometimes along the way, the relationships I’m investing in and hoping to build won’t pan out. That happens. It’s likely currently happening for one relationship in my life. That’s okay. Saying no to what I don’t want will help me refine and get closer to what I do, and it will help to not clog up my time and energy in the process.
  4. Seriously, dude? You think “Soo” is a good way to pick a conversation back up? SMH

So I end this with a weird video montage going in my head. One is Janet from “Shock Treatment” stopping by to tell Brad how fabulous she is (for me, it’s an ironic reference, not in earnest to the original) and the other is a Rosie O’Donnell stand up from the 90’s, talking about how when someone says they’re interested in you and you aren’t interested in them, you should go home, turn on the Black and Decker vibrator and sing “I’m too sexy for my shirt…”

It’s just nice to have my brain go in positive direction. I’d like to encourage this and also record it for posterity.

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