As someone who identifies so strongly as a submissive switch with a potential slave heart, it feels weird to write that as a subject line.
Nevertheless, here we are.
I’ve spent a large portion of the first part of my life catering to, taking care of, and looking out for others. Be they parents, friends, partners, Doms, family. Not always, of course. There were times I took a stand and said, “no.” Sometimes it got me a shocked look, other times, it got me disowned. I don’t regret any of it. But now…something is shifting. I don’t want to make nice anymore. I don’t feel a deep desire to serve if the person isn’t worthy or showing up to the relationship. I’m trying to figure out huge things like health, spirituality, gender, sexuality, new job, finances, the future.
There is a lot shifting. I find myself not craving foods anymore. Not craving things when I’m hungry nor having much of the “chocolate will make me feel less empty” cravings.
Been wanting to exercise, to move, to play, to dance. To engage in life. To grow. To explore. To be a better me. To connect to myself.
More and more, I want to create spaces for the things that matter to me: spirit, health, music, love, kink, growth, learning, writing.
This means that I have to organize, make spaces, clean, work towards these things. It can be hard to overcome habits that’ve been years in the making. Time spent serving other people and things and the niches doing so has carved into my life and brain. Time spent ignoring my body’s cues, my heart’s yearning, my spirit’s desire.
At dinner in my favorite restaurant this weekend with a dear friend, they told me about how when they turned 40, they declared that they had done similarly – spent too much time on other people and that the next 40 of their life was for them. It struck me hard. And I knew I felt the same.
Now to make it happen.