So. The last few weeks have been difficult. Which is putting it mildly. I learned things about people that I never knew and it not only rocked my world, but it has brought down a company, and affected many, many other people in the process. Lines have been drawn, so many people came forward with stories of their own, and somewhere in it, I found the courage to write my own story and share it with a community that is dear to my heart.
Since then, I’ve been in the process of re-examining my life over the past decade or so, as a result. I put a full stop on all kink I was involved in, from established relationship dynamics all the way to potential new play partners. It fucked with my head that someone I thought I knew and whom had helped build my foundation in kink had manipulated and groomed and abused so many people, including people who were underage. So I talked to everyone I was in a relationship or playing with, even casually, and those I was negotiating with and stopped all kink.
Statuses were changed on Fet. Routines were changed. Plans were cancelled. It felt hella awkward at times, and painful. It also showed me how much kink in simply part of my life in intrinsic ways that I hadn’t realized before. I put a fuckton of casual kink (especially pain play) into sensual and sexual experiences with others. There are some other discoveries and epiphanies I’ve been working on during this process and I’m grateful that the people in my life currently all took it gracefully and supportively. I’ve needed some time to reflect, to question, to rebuild. I’m likely going to need more time, but I can feel myself slowly come out of it with some newer realizations. For instance, I actually had begun to rebuild slowly a few years ago. As I learned more about informed and ongoing consent, I knew better so I could do better. There’s never going to be a point where I’m done learning and that’s actually an oddly comforting feeling. I always want to strive to be better and do better.
All of this, and watching the explosions unfold, and the rebuilding that I see others doing and I’ve done, and the healing, and the struggle to make sense of it all, and to get answers…has all taken a lot of time and energy. I don’t just mean my own; so many people have been affected by this and each of us has our own story. For my part, here especially, it’s a means of explaining to myself and anyone else reading this why I haven’t kept up with the New Year, New You prompts.
That all being said, I am back, bitches!
It’s incredibly fitting that I came back to it on the week after Deb had said we should do something nice for ourselves (I did and wound up writing it before everything exploded and scheduling it to appear smack dab in the middle of all the shit. I had forgotten abou tit until I started receiving notifications that a few people liked the post. The internet can be a strange place, sometimes.)
But now it’s all “back to work, bus slave.”
So! Back to work. When last we left off, I had yet to detail how I was going to make my goals come to fruition.
Okay, here we go.
Here’s what I wrote on week two as my goals for this year and following I’ll add what I’m going to be doing to help myself work towards each goal in specific detail. (The kink category is coming off the table for the moment.)
- music: practicing uke 5x per week for at least 20 minutes, making at least one video a month of uke playing/singing and posting it somewhere on the interwebs, crafting new burlesque routines
- writing: this prompt will take care of once a week for twenty-three weeks. I’m also signing up for Cannonball Read
- drawing: I’m planning on announcing a project I have for myself on FB soon that will help with all the creativity and the authentic connections.
- these writing prompts are helping me practice more
- reading Deb’s book Glamour Magic: The Witchcraft Revolution to Get What You Want (which will also help the creativity, as I’ll be writing a review of it for Cannonball Read)
- seeking out tarot and continuing with my Angel divination deck
- intentionally visiting nature more
- trying to find another yoga instructor/class
- meditate again (this one’s hard because it’s tied to kink for me in that I meditate best on my knees. But I have some difficulty with kneeling currently, from a combination of knee pain I should try to overcome and some recent grief associated with some relationship issues)
Kink(for now, not a priority)
- seeking out play that will put me on both sides of the slash
- seeking out people I can bounce with
- actually writing up and posting my class descriptions
- applying for at least one event
- reaching out to people in the scene to learn more
- reading more
- taking more photos
- mental/emotional – therapy, letting go of the past, allowing myself to feel my emotions as they happen, all the others help with this one, too
- physical – more activity. Current job will help with this. Once I am out of training, walk around floor for at least 20 minutes a day. Eating better. Taking gluten, sugar, and dairy mostly out of my diet. Drinking more waterAuthentic relationships
- seeking out the people who are authentic in my life
- moving away from those who aren’t
- making sure I am clear to the universe that these two things are my intention
- making myself vulnerable
- work on holding space for myself and for others in pain
- personal responsibility
- gratitude. Endless gratitude and expressing it to the authentic, glorious people in my life
- organizing costumes
- organizing closet
- donating items
- selling things
- coming up with a schedule for regular household cleaning
So my best ideas as that some changes need to made. I will therefore dedicate time in the following manner:
- an hour after work for practicing uke, cleaning something (closet, costumes, laundry, purging things to give away/sell/dontate), and to read and unwind. 20 minutes for each category, which hits on uke practicing, mental health, and cleaning
- getting up a half hour early to have time to meditate
- walking around the stores I’m in for at least 20 minutes each day
- writing – keeping up with the writing prompts again and continuing with the Cannonball Read challenge. Also figure out time where I can write things outside the New Year, New You challenge.
- keep striving to be honest and open in my communications and allow space for others to be, too
- also continue to examine things and make apologies and amends as I’m able to
- work on video on one of my days off. February video will be up by 2/28.
- announce creative project I had that will also help me connect with people. I will announce that by 3/15.
- continue to work on finding time to rehearse with band. (Oh, because holy shit, on things that happened in the past few weeks is I started a band with two other awesome people. More on that later after we get a few more rehearsals under our belt.)
- planning one full ritual for myself each month
It’s not hyper detailed, but it’s better than I had going into this writing and I will start implementing it tonight. Here’s to getting back to work.
Also, in terms of songs, it’s “Doing the Unstuck” by The Cure. All day, every day right now:
“But it’s much too late” you say
“For doing this now
We should have done it then”
Well it just goes to show
How wrong you can be
And how you really should know
That it’s never too late
To get up and go…
Time to get up and go, damnit.