[New Year, New You] Week 13: Sacrifice

Last post before I get to the last page of prompts on Deb’s blog! (I am silly excited about this. Measurable progress is awesome!)

This one is all about sacrifice. Which should be easy, right? For someone who likes helping other people, sometimes to the detriment of zirself, I should be able to breeze through this one, right?

And it’s not like there isn’t a whole mess of sacrifice going on in my life now. I can’t really talk about much of it, but there’s also the impulse to downsize, so I’m getting rid of stuff. And also I’m working on writing a post about getting rid of things I have outgrown, such as a movies and tv shows that I used to love but realize I can no longer stomach watching anymore.

Deb talks about blood sacrifice. One day I might do that, when I have a clearer idea of exactly what and to whom…but for right now, when I just have a general idea of the direction I’m moving in, I’m going to go with something that I’ve been getting a lot of messages to give up for a while now.

The latest message came two days ago in my weekly horoscope from Rob Brezsny:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Promise me that you won’t disrespect,
demean, or neglect your precious body in the coming weeks. Promise me
that you will treat it with tender compassion and thoughtful nurturing.
Give it deep breaths, pure water, healthy and delicious food, sweet sleep,
enjoyable exercise, and reverential sex. Such veneration is always
recommended, of course — but it’s especially crucial for you to attend to
this noble work during the next four weeks. It’s time to renew and
revitalize your commitment to your soft warm animal self.

So, in that note, to work towards treating my body with tender compassion and thoughtful nurturing, I’m giving up sugar. It’s been a three decade long love affair and it’s time to draw it to a close. It no longer is serving me, or helping me…not that it ever really did.

Ironically, it will affect my blood, and my hormones, and my health. I’m scared, honestly, to give it up because it’s usually my go-to to deal with anxiety. But I will find other (hopefully healthy) ways to cope. And I want to show the Universe that I want to keep moving in this direction.

So! Specifics:

I am giving up processed and artificial sugar, starting today, June 7th, 2018. I will not have processed or artificial sugar knowingly until July 16th, 2018 when I will re-evaluate.

This does NOT include naturally occurring sugar, such as is found in fruit, wine, and honey.

I do this to dedicate to moving forward in my spiritual quest. I want to live cleaner, more authentically, more creatively, and more lovingly. And I need to extend that love to myself first for once and renew and revitalize my commitment to my soft animal self. I vow to sacrifice sugar under these parameters for the next 40 days.

So mote it be.

 

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[New Year, New You] Week 11: Casting Out Doubts

So, I’m a week or three behind with my NYNY writing prompts. I have to keep reminding myself that I made a commitment to complete and I will, but it might take a little longer than the original challenge. My best friend has told me more than a few times to be gentle with myself and to go at my own pace, and I think I’m finally getting there. I purposefully waited until going to Beltane to do this week’s prompt because it seemed like the perfect place to do it. I was right, but not in the way I expected.

Y’see, this week is all about Casting Out Doubts. Pssssshh. It’s not like I have any doubts. At all. Whatsoever. *cue sarcastic, uncomfortable laughter that fades out into a sigh of defeat*

Fine. I have all sorts of doubts. That I’m not attractive enough. That I’m not spiritual enough. That I’m not sexy enough. That I’m not talented enough. That I will never have the life I want. That I suck at writing. That I’ll never make a living in a way that honors my values. That my voice isn’t good enough. That I’m not good enough.

I’ve been challenging myself to release videos once a month of me as I learn uke and sing. And while I’m proud of myself for doing it, I’m a month behind and every time I hear my voice and my still rudimentary uke skills, I cringe. Also, Jesus Christ, when the hell am I going to start eating healthier for the two hormonal conditions I have?

Also, I’m not exercising enough. I’m not dancing enough.

I have eleventy-bajillion relationship questions and evolutions happening in me that I don’t know how to reconcile. If you don’t stay married, what the fuck are you going to do? And how would you even afford a divorce if you wanted one?

Also, what the hell even is your sexuality these days?

Also also, the people you like and/or are attracted to do not think about you nearly as much as you think about them. Chill the fuck out. Because you’re never going to get what you want in that regard. That magical feeling you’ve found a few times with some people will never be something you can sustain. It doesn’t exist for you because you’re too fat and old.

And how are you going to get another car because yours is dying soon. Fuck, and if you don’t have a car, how will you make money? Also, how will you stave off the anxiety attacks of not having a car? You’re never going to be able to just buy a car that you love on your own like normal people who go to a dealership and pick out something they actually like, not what’s given to them.

Where will you live after this house? You know you’ll never be able to have the poly creative commune that you dream about, that you yearn for, where you’re surrounded by and inspired by people you care about and can teach, travel, write, sing, and dance for living. That’s just stupid. Because you’ll never find a career or cobble together a career that unifies the things you loved about your last job without all the madness and negative chaos that also came with it because that’s just not poss…

FUCK. PLEASE JUST STOP.

It has to STOP.

Like the post this was inspired by said:

We need to free ourselves from this horribly insidious, inner voice that wants us to never try, to never dare, to never dream, and to never step outside our little boxes. It sure as hell doesn’t want us to succeed, despite living inside us. It’s a really shitty team player because it tries to put on its Concerned Face and tell us how it’s only looking out for us and doesn’t want us to be hurt or rejected.

This voice is a lying, lying liar! It’s not concerned! It just wants to be comfortable, even if you’re miserable right now. It doesn’t want you to change because change is hard and scary.

Comfortable misery (or status quo) is good enough for this voice.

Do you feel uncomfortable right now doing this Experiment? You should. That’s how you know you’re doing this right. That’s what’s riling up that annoying, horrible voice inside you to triple volume . You are freaking it out.

Well, then. Yes. All of that. I am freaking out that horrible voice inside me. It’s in full-on panic mode currently, as all levels of life are in a flux and I feel myself moving into a new major phase of my life with no idea exactly where I’m going.

So what to do about it?

Again, from the original post:

There are two approaches to dealing with this Horrible Voice (HV):

1. The HV is like a scared child inside you. It may be your scared child inside you (or Talking Self or Fred or whatever you want to call it). Regardless of its name, HV is bugging out right now because HV is terrified. You can try talking to HV and see if you can soothe HV or get HV to open up as to why HV is being such a colossal pain in the ass. You can explore how to get HV to stop.

2. HV is shitty energy you’ve collected from yourself and others. It’s time to get rid of it. This can be done by washing your hands with salt. (Wash towards the sink, away from your body.) As the salt washes down the drain, chant, “Seeds of doubt, I cast you out!” Or you could use a method of your own choosing to banish the negative energy.

Like I said, I waited until Beltane to deal with this HV. I was totally expecting to go with the second option and actually, ritually cleansing and casting out the doubts with salt and chanting. Turns out, Ramblewood had other plans for me. Here’s what I wrote in my notebook while there:

Talking to my Horrible Voice (HV) tonight. In a field under the stars. Unsure of where to go. Wanting to dance but not feeling drawn to the drum circle fire pit nor the dance party. What if I look stupid? They are all thinner. Prettier. Done up in Bellydance gear or birthday suits. I don’t look like I fit in. Or they’re all ravers twirling things. I’d look so out of place.

But also…also thinking that maybe I’d go topless. Around people. Ones I know, even. And strangers. That scares the fuck out of me. But maybe…

The thought I had as I picked the liminal place as I so often do, between the fire circle drumming and the barn techno raver dance party, was:

what would happen if you just…stopped? Stopped caring what that HV said. Stopped being afraid of your body and people’s reactions to it?

And this feeling of peace washed over me. I mean, it was already peaceful as hell in the field. But then I let the energy of the drumming and fire and dancing and the earth under me take over and thought:

What if? What if I just opened myself all the way up? Was my full Goddess self? What if I held that scared inner child who grabs a megaphone and spouts terrible things to protect herself? What if I held her sacred and told her I got this? I got her. I got us. And what would happen if I turned my magic all the way the fuck on?

She felt okay with that. She put the megaphone down, but she’s still got it within arm’s reach. We’re going to work on working together now. Thankfully, during the 7 day yoga challenge I still have yet to write about, she and I started talking a bit so it was a bit easier once I got to Beltane and had the magic of Ramblewood to help facilitate more in depth conversations with each other.

It’s funny; the original post had the above-mentioned two suggested ways of dealing with the HV. Before Beltane, I kept thinking that I had to get salt to do this because we were out of salt. I kept forgetting. And I didn’t realize until after I’d gotten back from Beltane that my spouse had picked up salt before I left. Turns out I didn’t need it after all.

[New Year, New You] – Week 7: Shoulder to the Wheel

This week, Deb’s writing prompt is dedicated to doing the hard things. What are the hard things for me?

Eating correctly for two hormonal conditions I have. Exercise. Evaluating relationships and leaving the ones that aren’t working. Pushing my way forward towards the life I want to have.

In her original post, Deb talks about surrendering to this writing Experiment, but that she didn’t always know what that meant, which resulted in getting scared sometimes and a litany of questions in her brainmeats. I’m getting scared, too. Or the fears I’ve had all along are surfacing like mofos. My incessant questions look something like this:

Will I ever get ahead of my debt and live the life I want to? Do I have the courage to stand up and make that life happen? What does that life fully look like? Will I have the strength to leave relationship(s) that are no longer good for me if need be? Will I have the strength and discipline to Master my own damn self? It’s so easy to submit to someone else when I resonate with them, but can I give that same dedication to myself? Will I ever find a Dom(me) who wants me that I resonate with in return? Will I ever be able to put together the career I can only barely conceptualize right now? Will I ever get my craft together after so long away from it? Can I be consistently gentle with myself the way my best friend keeps reminding me to be and also be responsible and make hard choices to push myself to grow? Can I find that balance? Have I actually learned to not get into unhealthy relationships simply because they remind me of what I was taught love looked like when I was a kid? Am I doing my best?

I like what Deb’s muse had to say to her string of doubts and fear. Her muse sounds like mine, sometimes. The thing that hit me hardest, though, was this part:

You’re changing your insides, one piece of a star at a time.   You can do this.  You need to do this.  This is where you start to become who you want to be.  I believe in you or I never would have chosen you.  Keep pushing, tiny one.  Keep pushing.

So, this week, I will do the hard things. I will start a basic tackling of finances. I will have hard conversations. I will keep trying to delve deep into the questions that scare me and, piece of a star by piece of a star, I will change my insides and start making the outsides match.

A few days ago, I had started talking with a friend about qualities we bring to D/s relationships and qualities we’re looking for in said relationships. That convo is helping me to both recognize that my foundation wasn’t as fucked up as I feared it to be earlier this year. I’m looking forward to continuing that convo. I got through listing the things I bring to a D/s relationship and now I’m thinking about what I’m looking for in a Dom(me) and/or sub. (When I’m ready to start looking again, that is.)

I keep on keeping on with writing, and I’m writing more now since the break up than I had been prior to it. I’m grateful to a great friend who’s helping me stay on task with that in the form of regular, agreed upon check-ins. Writing is also helping me sort through all the shit, so it all works synergistically.

One of the biggest hurdles I’m facing is getting my ass in gear more and eating better for my health and the body I have. There was a post on FB the other day that talked about how the secret to fitness is sitting less. I have to will embrace that and get off my butt more often, especially at work when there’s no one coming in. I stopped walking around the showroom and I have to start doing that more again. I also have to will figure out an eating plan, because this going day to day thing I’ve been doing is not good.

Today, I will also be recording and posting another video of me singing, to fulfill my personal monthly post-a-musical-video-of-myself challenge.

So. Keep on keeping on. I’m changing my insides, one piece of star at a time.

[New Year, New You] Week 3 – Something You’ve Been Putting Off

DON’T WANNA!!!

That’s the refrain that’s slamming around in my brain and heart lately, for myriad reasons and pertaining to so many things. Chores what need doing, writing what needs to get writ, practice (magickal and musical) to…practice, bills that have to be paid, healthier choices to make, relationship decisions I have to face. You get the idea. Pretty much exactly where so many people find themselves this time of year, two weeks into the New Year that was so full of Possibilities and New Starts only twelve days ago. Or maybe you’re one of those lucky ones who have way more self-discipline and determination and you’re trucking along just fine with your resolutions.

If so, fuck you.

So sorry. My inner teenager stole my keyboard for a moment. The one who wants to sullenly flip off anyone who’s all wholesome, and has good advice (and even WORSE, backs it up with action), and just wants what’s BEST for me.

*Gag*

‘Scuse me. I’m just gonna lock the door to her bedroom and ignore the Smiths blaring at full volume.

Sometimes, it’s really hard to get motivated. Sometimes, your heart is breaking from a relationship issue you’re having and you find yourself sobbing into your keyboard at midnight about to send an email to someone you just shouldn’t instead of doing things you should be doing. Like any of the things I listed above. Or you had a longass day at work, your anxiety was working your last nerve for the latter part of it, and you came home to no one but your cats and all you want to do is watch an episode of The Crown and go the fuck to sleep. I mean, y’know, hypothetically.

Anyway.

I signed up for this damn writing prompt challenge and here the fuck I am.

And I had read ahead, so I knew this was the week dedicated to Something You’ve Been Putting Off. Fan-fugu-tastic. I also knew that in my last post, I had said that in this post I would make more concrete plans for my goals. S.M.A.R.T.en ’em up, if you will.

(For those who don’t know, S.M.A.R.T. is an acronym meaning Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time Bound. It’s popped up a couple of times in my life this week. First, at work during training and then earlier today on Fetlife on a post someone made about goals. Those S.M.A.R.T. goals are gonna be part of the NEXT post, though. Yes, I’m putting something off in the Something You’ve Been Putting Off post. You wanna go listen to the Smiths with my inner teenager?)

So I’ve been thinking about those things, along with All The Things I’ve Been Putting Off.

I started listening to the song that was recommended for this week, which was awesome but also bittersweet because it referencing a song that was important to me and my ex-wife, but that’s fine. It’s not like the radio hasn’t been slapping me upside the heart with songs from my past lately or anything.

Moving along, the song she recommended was Regina Spektor’s “On the Radio”. I adore this song. But I’m also gonna offer another song that I found this week that seems pretty darned appropriate:

“Rescue” by Yuna

Yeah, she’s got a light in her face
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins.
She don’t need no rescue and she’s okay.

Which helped me get home from a ten hour day at work tonight, with my feet soaking wet because my fake suede boots aren’t waterproof and mother nature is dealing with some demons up in there and so it was 60 fucking degrees and monsoon-y today, and NOT watch The Crown. Nor have a gin and ginger. I did cry a bit around midnight, but I reached out to my best friend who thankfully leveled my heart with some hard truths I needed to hear.

Around all that, I:

  • brought the laundry up from the dryer
  • checked the basement for signs of water leaking in
  • made mac & cheese from scratch with hidden veggies so it’s marginally healthier, and also comforting and means I had dinner tonight, lunch for tomorrow at work, and some to bring to a friend I might be seeing on Sunday who loves mac & cheese
  • paid the one credit card bill I have
  • paid an overdue toll
  • paid my waaaay overdue and student loans (with about a week to spare before they reported my account as delinquent to credit reporting agencies)
  • pet the cats
  • fixed an extension cord/living room light issue
  • reached out to my sister and a friend I haven’t talked to in a while, just to say hi
  • messaged with another friend who’s having some anxiety issues
  • lit some incense
  • and am writing this post

And at work today, and on the previous days earlier this week I accomplished the following:

  • read a little every night
  • rewrote out the uke tabs/lyrics for a song I’m working on and a new song we’re working on with the band
  • oh, hey…started a band and had first rehearsal and scheduled the next one
  • passed my written and verbal tests for my new job
  • went “live” after passing them
  • threw away two pairs of shoes I’ve been carting around for over a decade (one pair were my Eddie boots from when I used to do Rocky Horror. Hard to let go of but they were literally deformed and cracking and flaking. Plus, I have a pair of Docs now. They’re MUCH better Eddie boots)
  • pulled seven things out of my closet that I’ve been holding onto for years but have never worn and am almost guaranteed to never wear. I mean, there’s one jacket that I might wear when I’m seventy, but fuck if I’m holding onto it that long
  • Started a pile of donate/sell/give away for clothes and costumes
  • went through one bin (of, like, eight) of costumes and burlesque outfits and started streamlining, including making plans to sell a Moresca pirate bodice I bought nearly ten years ago and wore twice
  • started looking at my books, DVDs, other stuff to see what I can get rid of

I’m tired just rereading all this, but I’m also sorta proud of myself. I’m doing things. I’m making shit happen. Slowly, but there’s a lot to sort through to get where I’m going. I’ve built walls and let shit slide for a while and now, the dismantling and cleaning and clearing is going to take some doing.

But I’m finally doing it.

[New Year, New You] Week 2 – Goals (and little victories)

And welcome to my second entry in The New Year, New You Project, an experiment in #MagicalRadicalTransformation (or the longest hashtag ever….no that’s not a challenge. Although now I’m curious…aaaaand now I’m back. Nope. Not even close to the longest hashtag ever.) Did I mention I have a tendency to procrastinate? And that it sometimes gets in the way of my goals? Why, what a timely…time for this experiment to feature a blog post about goals. For those of you who want to see where challenge/experiment came from and missed my first post, check out my dear friend Deb’s original blog post for this week. She’s the creator of this experiment and has done all twenty-three of the writing prompts (with some damn impressive results, I might add) so I’ve decided I got a situation what needs fixing, so this is part of how I’m gonna do it. I’m likely gonna come up with a more succinct and uniform way to explain these and link to her posts but for now, we’re still beginning the beginning, so longhand it is.

What do you want to accomplish in 2012 using both magical and mundane means?  

From here, as she did with the first, she lists some helpful influences: dieties/moon phases/days of the week/inspirational song for your brainmeat. For me, though, I generally let the universal mind guide me. (Well, y’know, once I’ve managed to control  my urge towards procrastination, and kick my own ass out of a depression/anxiety spiral.) But she had to go and mention music. Oh, the music for this one. I read ahead a few days ago to prep for what was coming next and saw the song she suggested. Florence + the Machine’s What the Water Gave Me. Most times, when I’ve read the title and listened to the song, cause I’ve been a fan of Florence + the Machine for years, my associations are mostly with bodies of water. And I feel very akin to bodies of water. I adore swimming. I was a water fitness instructor. I go to the ocean when I need to find my inner zen. So that’s what I normally associate with “water”. So I was thinking about that this week, but it never really stuck. Until today. Do you know what happened today? A BOMB CYCLONE of snow. And y’know what snow is? D’ya pick up what I’m putting down?

Snow has not ever been the first thought I had when listening to this song, but today…it just fit. And the snow/water gave me a lot today.

First, it gave me…a NON-snow day! I had to go into work. But honestly…it didn’t bother me. Last night, my boss changed our training destination to a place that was more Northern than our usual Southerly Thursday training location because reports were coming in that the BOMB CYCLONE (side note: first THUNDERSNOW, now BOMB CYCLONE. I don’t know when weather phenomenon started being named like Coney Island rides or metal bands, but I am All In for this trend.) was going to be worse lower in the state, so that was nice. And though the roads were a little rough, I don’t mind driving in the snow, so I got in fine. We had a slightly abbreviated training and then got sent home in the early afternoon.

And once I got home, I decided to make the most of what the water was giving me:

Time.

Clear as literal day Opportunity. Daylight where not only did I not have to go anywhere else, I truly shouldn’t go anywhere else. Hours to do things I’ve been trying to get myself to do, and have only barely begun to do, the things I know I NEED to do to really kick this magical radical transformation into high gear.

So. I ate a quick, weird lunch (a chicken cutlet and a banana), grabbed a bottle of water, and told my husband (who’d also got sent home early) that I was going upstairs to do some cleaning.

AND I ACTUALLY DID IT!

Slowly, organically, I listened to what the water was telling me. I lit incense and a candle. I put on Florence + the Machine. I drank the water. And started cleaning. My bedside table. The top of the chest at the foot of the bed. The cluttered area with a random tote of costumes and shoes. The stack of suitcases from the former life/old job/previous year’s events that I had at least finally emptied out weeks ago but hadn’t managed to actually put the suitcases themselves away. All done. Also decked out my new uke hardcase with even more buttons than my old one had, which, incidentally, was now the best specialized toy bag for my long impact toys that wouldn’t fit in my other two, smaller toy bags. I took pictures the incense and candle on my altar. I danced. I texted a few friends. I cleared space and physically started moving myself into the future. I’m not fully sure what I’m moving towards, but finally, finally the gnawing calling is stronger than the fear, the procrastination, the depression/anxiety, the grief.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s still a fuckton of grief. There are relationships that feel like they’ve entered their last dying gasp and not ending the way I ever wanted or thought they would. There’s so much loss that I’m constantly struggling to process. But I keep pushing through. And thankfully, this challenge is one of the things helping to push me through.

Speaking of, we’ll get back to what else the water gave me today. But let’s actually cover the meat of this week’s prompt: Goals.

Here are the four top questions (and all their important sub-questions) that she listed for the prompt:

How are you going to accomplish these large goals in your daily life?  You need to start breaking it up into bite sized pieces.  Our particular Experiment goes until Valentine’s Day.  What can you reasonably expect to accomplish by then?  How will you do it?

  1. What magical acts (rituals, spellwork, whatever it is you do) can you do to help you accomplish this goal?  If you are into Planetary magic, you may want to consider looking into the Gates work that RO does to help you accomplish your goals.  Thinking strategically in magic isn’t something that comes naturally to a lot of us either.  Check out Jason’s books on Strategic Sorcery if that’s something you need some guidance on.
  2. Use your preferred method of divination to figure out both what you can do to make sure these goals will happen and also to figure out what road blocks keep you from this.
  3. Consult whatever inner or outer spirits you may work with as to what’s blocking you from achieving your goals.  If you’re the meditative type, when meditating consult your spirits there.  If you aren’t the meditative type, when you are just about to drift off to sleep when your mind is relaxed, ask what’s preventing you from achieving these goals.  In terms of “who” you’re asking, you can ask personal spirit guides or god/dess/es, your Younger Self, Talking Self, and Higher Self or even personifications of the traits you’re either trying to emulate or discourage.  Whatever works for your personal cosmos.

For #1, since I started a few weeks after she did, I’m gonna be going to the end of February…or possibly the beginning of March, which I think is appropriate for me. I’ve been gearing up for a winter of Work, inner and outer, and as I said before, this will help guide me. But breaking it down into more bite-sized pieces is going to be a challenge in and of itself.

In my last post, I wrote that these things are the most important to me:

music, writing, spirituality, authentic connections, emotional support, constructive selfishness (a phrase I learned from my therapist today and holy fuck, is it a great concept. Like self care, but…bigger.), kink, creativity, becoming healthier.

That’s a lot to tackle in twenty-one weeks. I’mma group things to make it a little more manageable:

  • Creativity – music, writing, drawing
  • Spirituality – practicing more, meditating again, yoga
  • Kink – honoring all sides of the slash, seeking out play, educating myself more about the scene, honing my classes
  • Health – mental, physical, emotional
  • Authentic Relationships – better communication, being my most authentic self, fixing my own fuck ups and holding others accountable for theirs, seeking better connections and not settling
  • Cleaning – organizing, downsizing, not living like a trash panda

Eventually, I’m hoping following these things will help me get on the path to my next career and back on my Path towards the Destiny I have. I’ve gotten so many signs that lately that I have one, I just don’t fully know what it is. But I’m working on it.

So! Let’s go even more bite-sized.

  • Creativity
    • music: practicing uke 5x per week for at least 20 minutes, making at least one video a month of uke playing/singing and posting it somewhere on the interwebs, crafting new burlesque routines
    • writing: this prompt will take care of once a week for twenty-three weeks. I’m also signing up for Cannonball Read
    • drawing: I’m planning on announcing a project I have for myself on FB soon that will help with all the creativity and the authentic connections.
  • Spirituality
    • these writing prompts are helping me practice more
    • reading Deb’s book Glamour Magic: The Witchcraft Revolution to Get What You Want (which will also help the creativity, as I’ll be writing a review of it for Cannonball Read)
    • seeking out tarot and continuing with my Angel divination deck
    • intentionally visiting nature more
    • trying to find another yoga instructor/class
    • meditate again (this one’s hard because it’s tied to kink for me in that I meditate best on my knees. But I have some difficulty with kneeling currently, from a combination of knee pain I should try to overcome and some recent grief associated with some relationship issues)
  • Kink
    • seeking out play that will put me on both sides of the slash
    • seeking out people I can bounce with
    • actually writing up and posting my class descriptions
    • applying for at least one event
    • reaching out to people in the scene to learn more
    • reading more
    • taking more photos
  • Health
    • mental/emotional – therapy, letting go of the past, allowing myself to feel my emotions as they happen, all the others help with this one, too
    • physical – more activity. Current job will help with this. Once I am out of training, walk around floor for at least 20 minutes a day. Eating better. Taking gluten, sugar, and dairy mostly out of my diet. Drinking more water
  • Authentic relationships
    • seeking out the people who are authentic in my life
    • moving away from those who aren’t
    • making sure I am clear to the universe that these two things are my intention
    • making myself vulnerable
    • work on holding space for myself and for others in pain
    • personal responsibility
    • gratitude. Endless gratitude and expressing it to the authentic, glorious people in my life
  • Cleaning
    • organizing costumes
    • organizing closet
    • donating items
    • selling things
    • coming up with a schedule for regular household cleaning

So this is a lot. And I haven’t even fully gotten to numbers three and four yet. But I think those are things I’m gonna think on for the next week. Also going to have a smaller, more manageable list of quantifiable goals by next week, as opposed to this ginormous, all over the place list.

For now, I just want to list some of the little victories I’m seeing as I feel myself redirecting back on the Path towards these goals. Today I:

  • made myself a hot breakfast before work instead of not eating or buying crap from Dunkin’
  • went to work in BOMB CYCLONE
  • ate a reasonable, if not weird, lunch
  • started a pile of clothing I’m giving away/selling
  • relocated a few things that’ve been laying around the bedroom to their rightful places in the house
  • cleaned off my bedside table
  • cleaned off the chest at the foot of the bed
  • had tea and finished reading the first book of 2018
  • practiced uke
  • wrote this post
  • did laundry (might’ve ruined a new pair of pants in the process, but we’ll see)
  • texted/messaged some friends
  • talked some to nesting partner and spent some quality time over dinner with them

This is long. And I’m tired, as it’s 1:41am. But I’m doing it. Slowly, surely, I’m getting back to it all. For me, this time. Not for anyone else.

New Year, New ME, bitches. Let’s do this.

Tonight, I chose the pineapple.

So, there’s this thing I don’t talk about often. My anxiety manifests itself in various forms, most of which I’ve tried to transcend over the past three decades or so. Most commonly, it’s the “if I just have something sweet, I’ll be fine.” The sugar boost (usually with chocolate) helps calm me down, especially if there’s chocolate. I mean, c’mon. You can’t argue with Harry Potter AND Science.

If I’m going somewhere overnight that I’ve never been before, or I don’t know what the food situation will be, I’ll make sure to have something in my purse that will help me with anxiety. And sometimes, when I’m fighting an anxiety attack, or depression, I’ll crave something sweet. A cupcake, a brownie, a cookie. Rarely anymore do I crave regular candy. I’ve phased out and grown up out of most shit forms of sugar. Now I crave real bakery items, or high end chocolate, or other types of rarer things I have to make a special stop for.

Thankfully, I’ve left binging behind in my teens and mid- to late-twenties. It’s not that the feeling of a chasm in me that needed to be filled ever fully went away, I just gradually found other, better ways to fill it. Maybe some of them even helped to heal and close it a little bit at a time. Kink. Real, authentic connection to humans I liked. Music. Art. Dance. A job that at one time was one of the most fulfilling jobs I could’ve ever imagined. Being desired. Being partnered. Being married.

Some of these are great ways to heal old wounds, when applied well. Others…not so much. And lately, I’ve been taking stock of my life. My choices. Everything that’s led me here. It’s the holiday season and yet again, I’m left with very little holiday spirit and even less money than last year. I have no idea where to go from here in terms of finding fulfilling things in a career, in terms of kink, in relationships. There are big, scary things I have to deal with and I don’t know how.

But slowly…slowly, I’m finding answers. Slowly….slowly, I’m rediscovering the spirituality I allowed to be shamed out of me. I’m realizing that there are things I don’t want anymore, which is a step closer to figuring out what I do want. I’m grateful each day for the community of Amazon sisters which has sprung up around me over the past few years.

Still, each day is more of a struggle than I think most people know because I’m trying not to put it all over social media. I get that mental health awareness is and totally should be a Thing, but I also…don’t see the point in posting about all the negative things constantly. Especially when the intellectual part of my brain knows that anxiety and depression are lying to me and there isn’t much that is going to help by way of Fb comments of hugs, thoughts, and prayers. I’m not saying there isn’t healing and helping power in people putting good energy out for you…but there are also studies now showing that diminishing returns of social media. I want something real. My soul is desperate for connection and touch and creativity and kink. These things fuel me, help me burn bright, give me life. I feel like I’m suffocating lately from a dearth of them.

So every other day or so, I fight the urge to get a cookie. Or a cupcake. Or a brownie. Or ginger ale. Most days, I’m not happy to say I don’t win the fight. But I’ve been noticing recently that eating the cookie or the cupcake or the brownie has not been assuaging the anxiety anymore. In fact, I feel either the same or worse AND it tastes cloyingly sweet. Things that I used to adore. Are now…nothing to me.

I’m also not craving regular foods much anymore. Used to be that Vietnamese or Thai food would be my go-to, I-have-no-idea-what-to-eat-but-I-need-comfort meals. That’s not even there right now. I feel like I’m loosing touch with everything I used to hold dear and am floating somewhere, untethered.

Tonight, after a rough depression day, I steered my car towards a local bakery with THE BEST chocolate chip cookies ever. (And a cupcake that a metamour called “life changing”). I got there, parked right outside and then…then I remembered the fresh pineapple I had cut up in the fridge at home. For some reason, that seemed a helluva lot better an idea (1. free 2. my mouth said it would taste better 3. free) so…I went home. And had the pineapple. It’s not a major victory, but it’s something that I wanted to remember for myself and share for anyone else battling depression and anxiety.

Free writing: Failure

Feeling like a failure. Work. Wife. Life. Health. Creativity. Magic. Goals. D/s. Adulting. Activism.

Not good enough.

Who the hell am I?

Reading Brene Brown helps. Rising Strong. I need to rise strong. I feel beaten down. Broken.

Connecting with people helps.

Music helps.

My sister helped talk me off a proverbial ledge tonight by reminding me how I’m not a failure. As did my best (non blood) friend. I did my best. I’m doing my best. There is an epic level of insanity and change happening.

Say it out loud: I am human. I am not a bad person. I have worth.

And I will trust a small circle of people around me when I can’t believe in myself. Or do something for myself.

I just…want to do so much. Make gifts for friends and family that I don’t have time to make. Buy things I can’t afford. Celebrate something. The fear and folly of life? I have no idea.

Hope. Celebrate hope.

So disjointed. So much effort and so few spoons. Life unraveling, phoenix in fire. The immolation period hurts like fuck.

No answers right now. Just boatloads of questions and a long, lonely winter ahead to work through it all. Manifest some change. Figure out what’s next. What I want. What’s and who’s important to me.

Nothing major.