So, I’m a week or three behind with my NYNY writing prompts. I have to keep reminding myself that I made a commitment to complete and I will, but it might take a little longer than the original challenge. My best friend has told me more than a few times to be gentle with myself and to go at my own pace, and I think I’m finally getting there. I purposefully waited until going to Beltane to do this week’s prompt because it seemed like the perfect place to do it. I was right, but not in the way I expected.
Y’see, this week is all about Casting Out Doubts. Pssssshh. It’s not like I have any doubts. At all. Whatsoever. *cue sarcastic, uncomfortable laughter that fades out into a sigh of defeat*
Fine. I have all sorts of doubts. That I’m not attractive enough. That I’m not spiritual enough. That I’m not sexy enough. That I’m not talented enough. That I will never have the life I want. That I suck at writing. That I’ll never make a living in a way that honors my values. That my voice isn’t good enough. That I’m not good enough.
I’ve been challenging myself to release videos once a month of me as I learn uke and sing. And while I’m proud of myself for doing it, I’m a month behind and every time I hear my voice and my still rudimentary uke skills, I cringe. Also, Jesus Christ, when the hell am I going to start eating healthier for the two hormonal conditions I have?
Also, I’m not exercising enough. I’m not dancing enough.
I have eleventy-bajillion relationship questions and evolutions happening in me that I don’t know how to reconcile. If you don’t stay married, what the fuck are you going to do? And how would you even afford a divorce if you wanted one?
Also, what the hell even is your sexuality these days?
Also also, the people you like and/or are attracted to do not think about you nearly as much as you think about them. Chill the fuck out. Because you’re never going to get what you want in that regard. That magical feeling you’ve found a few times with some people will never be something you can sustain. It doesn’t exist for you because you’re too fat and old.
And how are you going to get another car because yours is dying soon. Fuck, and if you don’t have a car, how will you make money? Also, how will you stave off the anxiety attacks of not having a car? You’re never going to be able to just buy a car that you love on your own like normal people who go to a dealership and pick out something they actually like, not what’s given to them.
Where will you live after this house? You know you’ll never be able to have the poly creative commune that you dream about, that you yearn for, where you’re surrounded by and inspired by people you care about and can teach, travel, write, sing, and dance for living. That’s just stupid. Because you’ll never find a career or cobble together a career that unifies the things you loved about your last job without all the madness and negative chaos that also came with it because that’s just not poss…
FUCK. PLEASE JUST STOP.
It has to STOP.
Like the post this was inspired by said:
We need to free ourselves from this horribly insidious, inner voice that wants us to never try, to never dare, to never dream, and to never step outside our little boxes. It sure as hell doesn’t want us to succeed, despite living inside us. It’s a really shitty team player because it tries to put on its Concerned Face and tell us how it’s only looking out for us and doesn’t want us to be hurt or rejected.
This voice is a lying, lying liar! It’s not concerned! It just wants to be comfortable, even if you’re miserable right now. It doesn’t want you to change because change is hard and scary.
Comfortable misery (or status quo) is good enough for this voice.
Do you feel uncomfortable right now doing this Experiment? You should. That’s how you know you’re doing this right. That’s what’s riling up that annoying, horrible voice inside you to triple volume . You are freaking it out.
Well, then. Yes. All of that. I am freaking out that horrible voice inside me. It’s in full-on panic mode currently, as all levels of life are in a flux and I feel myself moving into a new major phase of my life with no idea exactly where I’m going.
So what to do about it?
Again, from the original post:
There are two approaches to dealing with this Horrible Voice (HV):
1. The HV is like a scared child inside you. It may be your scared child inside you (or Talking Self or Fred or whatever you want to call it). Regardless of its name, HV is bugging out right now because HV is terrified. You can try talking to HV and see if you can soothe HV or get HV to open up as to why HV is being such a colossal pain in the ass. You can explore how to get HV to stop.
2. HV is shitty energy you’ve collected from yourself and others. It’s time to get rid of it. This can be done by washing your hands with salt. (Wash towards the sink, away from your body.) As the salt washes down the drain, chant, “Seeds of doubt, I cast you out!” Or you could use a method of your own choosing to banish the negative energy.
Like I said, I waited until Beltane to deal with this HV. I was totally expecting to go with the second option and actually, ritually cleansing and casting out the doubts with salt and chanting. Turns out, Ramblewood had other plans for me. Here’s what I wrote in my notebook while there:
Talking to my Horrible Voice (HV) tonight. In a field under the stars. Unsure of where to go. Wanting to dance but not feeling drawn to the drum circle fire pit nor the dance party. What if I look stupid? They are all thinner. Prettier. Done up in Bellydance gear or birthday suits. I don’t look like I fit in. Or they’re all ravers twirling things. I’d look so out of place.
But also…also thinking that maybe I’d go topless. Around people. Ones I know, even. And strangers. That scares the fuck out of me. But maybe…
The thought I had as I picked the liminal place as I so often do, between the fire circle drumming and the barn techno raver dance party, was:
what would happen if you just…stopped? Stopped caring what that HV said. Stopped being afraid of your body and people’s reactions to it?
And this feeling of peace washed over me. I mean, it was already peaceful as hell in the field. But then I let the energy of the drumming and fire and dancing and the earth under me take over and thought:
What if? What if I just opened myself all the way up? Was my full Goddess self? What if I held that scared inner child who grabs a megaphone and spouts terrible things to protect herself? What if I held her sacred and told her I got this? I got her. I got us. And what would happen if I turned my magic all the way the fuck on?
She felt okay with that. She put the megaphone down, but she’s still got it within arm’s reach. We’re going to work on working together now. Thankfully, during the 7 day yoga challenge I still have yet to write about, she and I started talking a bit so it was a bit easier once I got to Beltane and had the magic of Ramblewood to help facilitate more in depth conversations with each other.
It’s funny; the original post had the above-mentioned two suggested ways of dealing with the HV. Before Beltane, I kept thinking that I had to get salt to do this because we were out of salt. I kept forgetting. And I didn’t realize until after I’d gotten back from Beltane that my spouse had picked up salt before I left. Turns out I didn’t need it after all.